You Know, If We Could Just Do That 8th Inning Over…

Posted in Florida Marlins, Recaps, Washington Nationals on August 5, 2009 by Adam Smoot

Marlins Nationals Baseball

There isn’t all that much to say about this game.

Josh Johnson was spectacular on the mound (and at the plate), the offense chased J.D. Martin from the game early on and the Marlins dominated for 89% of the night. Usually, those things are enough to deliver a win. Sadly, that isn’t always the case.

Whatever. Call me a jinx, if you want, but the truth is, there is no such thing. The Nationals still suck, the Marlins had a shitty inning and that’s all it took to fuck up JJ’s night. Of course, things would’ve been different if one man hadn’t stranded an entire baseball team. (No really, nine runners. An entire fucking baseball team.) Hmm. Now, who could that have been?

We’ll go at it again tomorrow night and the Nationals will suck some more.

Now, let’s try to suck a little less, shall we?

(H/T to Marlins Die-Hards for the Hermida image)

How Can One Team Be So Bad? Oh Right. It’s the Nationals…

Posted in Florida Marlins, Recaps, Washington Nationals on August 4, 2009 by Adam Smoot


After sweeping the Padres and taking the next three series from the Dodgers, Braves and Cubs–all playoff teams, mind you–the MLB gods were nice enough to give the Marlins the week off.

Typically, the baseball gods don’t like to show their kind heart, but this week they gave in and showed their softer side, offering the Marlins a three-game series against the Nationals, just two days after giving them the gift of Kevin Gregg.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. In Major League Baseball, any team can beat any other team on any given day. Well, that’s horseshit. The Nationals are about as close to a Major League team as Bud Selig is to a Major League commissioner. So far, this clusterfuck of a franchise has managed to win just 34 games… none of which have come against the Marlins. Zero wins in nine chances. And those games were played when they had their best player.

Over the next three games, the Marlins will tee off on the ultimately shitty pitching stylings of J.D. Martin, John Lannan (the Beatle??), and Craig Stammen. None of whom have a winning record. Or a decent ERA. Or any chance in hell of winning. You almost want to feel bad for this team.

So, take a break from the television this week, finish that kitchen project your wife has been bitching about and forget about baseball for a while. When you come back on Friday, the Fish should have three more wins under their belt and another date with the defending World Champions.

Why You Should Love Nick Johnson

Posted in Florida Marlins, Glorious Facial Hair, Nick Johnson on August 1, 2009 by Adam Smoot


Now that I’ve openly discussed my tumulous relationship with E5, let’s start talking about our new, beautifully sloven, first baseman.

Nick Johnson is many things.

Larry Bowa’s nephew. A career .400 OBP guy. Always injured. A free agent after this season. The second best hitter in the Marlins lineup. And, quite possibly, the owner of the most gloriously horrendous head in the majors.

No, really. Look at Nick Johnson from the torso down and you’ll see your average baseball player. Nothing to marvel at, but a lot less grotesque than the fat guy sitting next to you on a six-hour, cross-country flight. If you glance upward, though, you’ll see the true beauty of the man the Marlins acquired at the deadline.

What the Marlins received from the Nationals this Friday is part bear, part grandfather. His patience, plate discipline and ability to get on base are rivaled only by his inability to locate a razor or grow hair anywhere near the front of his head. He’s the creepy uncle you’re hesitant to leave your kids alone with. He’s a masterpiece; a beatifully crafted work of caveman art.

And he’s starting at first base tonight, for the first time, as a member of the Florida Marlins.

Letting Go of Love: The Emilio Bonifacio Story

Posted in And I Was Like... Emiliooooo!, Emilio Bonifacio, Florida Marlins, Nick Johnson, Trade Deadline, Trades, Washington Nationals on August 1, 2009 by Adam Smoot


When I was 21, I dated a girl who may or may not have been psychotic. She was a thespian, though she couldn’t act, dance or sing. The only thing she really had going for her was an unbridled enthusiasm for her craft. I’m pretty sure that’s what I loved about her; that no matter how often she was told that she sucked, she just ignored the negativity and continued to push forward. She knew that someday she would make it.

She hasn’t yet. And she probably never will, unless they open a restaurant where shitty waitresses sing shitty songs in their shitty voices. Then she’ll be a star.

After a year and a half together, she decided that her need to fuck other guys was more important than my happiness, and broke it off. I was heartbroken, but deep down, I knew that it was for the best. After all, that bitch was crazy, and nobody wants to marry a nut job. Also, this allowed me the opportunity to sleep with her friends. But, even with all that, letting go was still a traumatic experience.

What does this have to do with the Marlins?

During the final hour of the trade deadline yesterday, the Marlins banished the love of my life to the deepest, darkest depths of the bench. When it was announced that Washington first baseman, Nick Johnson, would be headed to Florida, it most likely signaled the end of Emilio Bonifacio’s usefulness to this team. Johnson would take first, Cantu would move to third and E5 pull up a comfy seat in the dugout.

If my relationship with Emilio were posted on Facebook, it would, no doubt, be listed as: it’s complicated. He frustrates me more than any player I’ve ever watched, because he’s not particularly good at anything. He can’t hit, can’t draw walks, can’t field, doesn’t know how to iron and leaves the seat cover up after taking a piss. But in those rare moments, where he finds himself on the base paths, he’s like a beautiful gazelle.

Dan Le Batard has said that there’s nothing in baseball more exciting than a line drive in the gap, with Emilio Bonifacio on first. I would agree. Watching him sprint around the bases like a cheetah chasing a wounded animal causes a funny feeling to brew in my pants. He’s that exciting.

I know this team is getting better by adding Nick Johnson. Hell, I know they’re getting better by simply removing Emilio from the playing surface. I just can’t help but feel like this team will be missing something. That, as I watch Nick Johnson round second base, with all the speed of a crippled hippopotamus, I’ll feel empty inside. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but it’s hard to let go of someone you love, even if he/she drives you nuts. Even if you realize that it is for the best.

Emilio Bonifacio… I wish I knew how to quit you.

(You can show your support by getting your FREE EMILIO t-shirts here.)

In A Few Hours, We’ll Know If Mr. Khan Was Full of Shit

Posted in Atlanta Braves, Florida Marlins, Manny In Miami, Recaps, Trade Deadline on July 31, 2009 by Adam Smoot


The Marlins returned to mere mortal status last night, with a loss to the Braves in extras, but all eyes are on the trade deadline, which comes to a close somewhere around dinner time at the old age home.

Will the Marlins be buyers? Sellers? Is Cody Ross going to the Yankees? Will Adrian Gonzalez wind up coming back with the team that drafted him? Could the Marlins generate enough Halladay buzz in the final moments to make us create another t-shirt that will be useless by the end of the day?

Check the Twitter page, as we’ll try to keep you posted there.

Happy Trade Deadline Day

Ask and El Cool JJ Shall Deliver

Posted in Atlanta Braves, El Cool JJ, Florida Marlins, Josh Johnson, Recaps on July 30, 2009 by Adam Smoot

Braves Marlins Baseball

On Wednesday, I asked for the head of Kenshin Kawakami.

On Thursday night, the Marlins delivered it on a silver platter, with an apple stuffed in its mouth and surrounded by leafy vegetables.

El Cool JJ allowed three runs over six innings, but he did more damage with his bat than his throwing arm. With the Fish up 1-0 in the 4th, Josh Johnson slapped a fastball over the center field wall for a three-run homer, a 4-0 lead and a swift kick right to the nuts of the Atlanta Braves.

Next up, Javier Vasquez. And I don’t think I need to tell you what I wish for…

Cody Ross in Pinstripes? (Well, Different Pinstripes, Anyway)

Posted in Cody Ross, Florida Marlins, New York Yankees, Ridiculous Unfounded Rumors, Trades on July 29, 2009 by Adam Smoot


That’s what one Bleacher Report scribe says.

According to Aroob Khan, who overheard a phone conversation between someone who could possibly have been Yankees GM, Brian Cashman and someone who could possibly have been Marlins GM, Michael Hill.

The conversation was about a possible trade that the Yankees might be pulling off within the next 24 hrs.

The trade involved the Yankees sendng Colin Curtis and Anthony Claggett to the Marlins for outfielder Cody Ross.

Of course, blogs are typically the birthplace of unfounded rumors, so this supposed trade could wind up being a truck load of horse shit. But after hearing someone break the Shaq/Shawn Marion trade through a random email to a local radio station, I’m willing to throw this one out there and say it’s a distinct possibility.

So, you know, if/when Cody Ross winds up being shipped to New York, score one for the blogs!