Archive for the Washington Nationals Category

Quote of the Week: Angry Commenter Edition

Posted in Nats Fans Like It In The Ass, Quote of the Week, Washington Nationals on August 8, 2009 by Adam Smoot

There really is nothing more satisfying than pissing off an entire city. I didn’t know I had that power, but clearly, I was wrong. This past week, I managed to irritate the entire fanbase of a certain shitty franchise to the point that all 37 of them decided to let me have it in the comments section. Of course, when you give angry sports fans a keyboard and an open forum, hilarity will ensue. Witness:

OK, so the Nats beat the fins off ya. It happens. The Yankees waited out a FIVE HOUR rain-delay for it to happen to them. Go ahead and live your pennant-chasing life. We’ll just enjoy not losing.

You enjoy not losing. But judging from the standings, you’re gonna have to sit through a whole bunch of not winning, as well.

Fish fan. How about “hey, you guys did a number on us but we’re still a better team”? You present yourself as a profane loser. How seriously would you take someone that wrote as bad as you?

Poorly, sir. Wrote as poorly as me.

Wow, talk about a sore loser. And, you know, I was taught that when your only recourse is insult and ad hominem attack, that’s a pretty strong indicator you don’t believe you can win a debate based on the facts.

Facts: There is no debate. If your boys were to run off 15 wins in a row, they’d still be 4th in the division. After sweeping the Marlins, the Nationals still suck. They just suck a little less.

Finished not-last only once–don’t we know it!
Hey, remind me, who *did* finish last that year?

That argument will probably do you more harm than good. It’s like telling a girl, “Remember that one time I didn’t cum too soon?”

“Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.” Mt 15:11

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we’ve hit the Bible. No really, I swear, it gets better.

Oh, and I guess I should include the obligatory “Get Well Soon, Nick” with this.

And take good care of Bonifacio, too. Josh Willingham says hello, and thanks.

Alright, now we’ve reached the city limits of Crazytown.

Let’s close this bad boy out with a series of comments that all share a common theme…

-We KNOW we suck, that’s why it’s so funny the Fish couldn’t beat us notwithstanding your “gift from the gods” proclamations.

-We Nats fans know our team is bad. In fact, we’ve joked on our own fanblogs that the Lerner family doesn’t own the Nats, because the Marlins own the Nats. We can laugh about it because we know we won’t even sniff 4th place this year.

-Also, if you think that Nationals fans don’t know their team sucks, you’re an idiot. Everyone knows the Nationals suck. You just wrote this because for three days, let’s face it: the Marlins sucked harder.

-I have to say reading your whining post had to be one of the funniest things I’ve read today. The Nats might be the worst team in baseball, but you’ve got to be the biggest LOSER out there.

There really is nothing more amusing than someone having to preface their anger with an “I know we suck, but…”

Yikes. These are my readers…?

No, Really, You Can Come Down From The Ledge Now…

Posted in Florida Marlins, Nats Fans Like It In The Ass, Philadelphia Phillies, Recaps, Washington Nationals on August 7, 2009 by Adam Smoot

Marlins Nationals Baseball

Well, shit, I don’t think any of us saw that one coming.

Not that it’s that big a deal.

Some folks would have you believe that this is some major catastrophe for the Marlins playoff hopes, but is it really? They got swept by a shitty team, but everyone seems to forget that they also managed to take two out of three from two first-place teams the week before, when nobody in South Florida thought they even stood a chance.

Assuming that the results of a baseball game worked out in the most logical of manners, with the better team typically notching the W, the Marlins would’ve gone 2-4 against the Dodgers and Cubs, and something like 2-1 against the Nationals. Instead, back in quirky, reality baseball, where everything is completely random and unpredictable, they went 4-2 against two really good teams and 0-3 against a crappy one. Baseball is like that sometimes.

So, instead of potentially going 4-5, they actually went… umm… 4-5.

Now, cool your fucking jets, people.

Next up for the Marlins is what any team mired in a slump would add to their wish list: a weekend series with the defending World Champions. A team whose cock-gobbling fans have actually earned the right to talk shit. Unlike these cock-gobbling fans

When Good Fans Go Bad: Washington Natinals Edition

Posted in Blow A Goat, Florida Marlins, Washington Nationals on August 6, 2009 by Adam Smoot


As with everything in life, there’s a lesson to be learned from these last three games against the Nationals. Its a simple lesson, really, that has nothing to do with karma or speaking too soon. Simply put, it is this:


If your favorite team is knee-deep in suck, gets a little lucky, wins a few, but is still a handful of games behind that autistic softball team that Kansas City throws out there every night, then you should probably just shut the fuck up.


Over the last few days, it seems that some Nationals fans have found this little slice of heaven that I call home. At first, it was cute; like your five-year-old brother kicking you in the shin for stealing his toys. You know you can beat his ass, but it’s so adorable that deep down inside that tiny little frame of his, he really believes he can take you. Unfortunately, there’s an imaginary line that separates cute from obnoxious, and every so often, your little brother crosses it, leaving you no choice but to put him in his place. So, here goes…


To the Nats fans with their newfound, terribly misguided, sense of pride, I say this.


Your team is still fucking horrible. This isn’t a whole new team, as you like to claim. It’s the same fucking garbage your shitty ass franchise trots out every fucking year. In the five seasons that Major League Baseball has inexplicably opted to not contract you, you’ve never had a winning record and finished better than last in the NL East just once. And even that season left you 16 games back of the division lead.


Last year, your squad managed to put together an unspeakably bad 59-win season that left them 25 games behind the third place Marlins and 32 1/2 behind the first place Phillies. How the fuck can one team suck so horribly that they finish over 32 games back? Six midgets, two paraplegics and a mythical unicorn could put together a more productive season than that.


Your team hadn’t won a single game against the Marlins this season until Tuesday night And even now, after all your meaningless trash talk and chest-thumbing, your clusterfuck of a franchise is 3-9 against the Fish in 2009. You can’t talk shit when you’re winning less than 30% of the time. You just can’t.


If there’s any decency in the world, Major League Baseball will wait until the season ends, disband your horseshit team, tear down Nationals Park and destroy any known evidence that baseball ever existed in Washington, post 1971.


You guys are a fucking joke. Humble pie? Why don’t you eat big box of humble dick?


See you guys in September. And don’t worry, we know where to find you…


Dead. Fucking. Last.

You Know, If We Could Just Do That 8th Inning Over…

Posted in Florida Marlins, Recaps, Washington Nationals on August 5, 2009 by Adam Smoot

Marlins Nationals Baseball

There isn’t all that much to say about this game.

Josh Johnson was spectacular on the mound (and at the plate), the offense chased J.D. Martin from the game early on and the Marlins dominated for 89% of the night. Usually, those things are enough to deliver a win. Sadly, that isn’t always the case.

Whatever. Call me a jinx, if you want, but the truth is, there is no such thing. The Nationals still suck, the Marlins had a shitty inning and that’s all it took to fuck up JJ’s night. Of course, things would’ve been different if one man hadn’t stranded an entire baseball team. (No really, nine runners. An entire fucking baseball team.) Hmm. Now, who could that have been?

We’ll go at it again tomorrow night and the Nationals will suck some more.

Now, let’s try to suck a little less, shall we?

(H/T to Marlins Die-Hards for the Hermida image)

How Can One Team Be So Bad? Oh Right. It’s the Nationals…

Posted in Florida Marlins, Recaps, Washington Nationals on August 4, 2009 by Adam Smoot


After sweeping the Padres and taking the next three series from the Dodgers, Braves and Cubs–all playoff teams, mind you–the MLB gods were nice enough to give the Marlins the week off.

Typically, the baseball gods don’t like to show their kind heart, but this week they gave in and showed their softer side, offering the Marlins a three-game series against the Nationals, just two days after giving them the gift of Kevin Gregg.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. In Major League Baseball, any team can beat any other team on any given day. Well, that’s horseshit. The Nationals are about as close to a Major League team as Bud Selig is to a Major League commissioner. So far, this clusterfuck of a franchise has managed to win just 34 games… none of which have come against the Marlins. Zero wins in nine chances. And those games were played when they had their best player.

Over the next three games, the Marlins will tee off on the ultimately shitty pitching stylings of J.D. Martin, John Lannan (the Beatle??), and Craig Stammen. None of whom have a winning record. Or a decent ERA. Or any chance in hell of winning. You almost want to feel bad for this team.

So, take a break from the television this week, finish that kitchen project your wife has been bitching about and forget about baseball for a while. When you come back on Friday, the Fish should have three more wins under their belt and another date with the defending World Champions.

Letting Go of Love: The Emilio Bonifacio Story

Posted in And I Was Like... Emiliooooo!, Emilio Bonifacio, Florida Marlins, Nick Johnson, Trade Deadline, Trades, Washington Nationals on August 1, 2009 by Adam Smoot


When I was 21, I dated a girl who may or may not have been psychotic. She was a thespian, though she couldn’t act, dance or sing. The only thing she really had going for her was an unbridled enthusiasm for her craft. I’m pretty sure that’s what I loved about her; that no matter how often she was told that she sucked, she just ignored the negativity and continued to push forward. She knew that someday she would make it.

She hasn’t yet. And she probably never will, unless they open a restaurant where shitty waitresses sing shitty songs in their shitty voices. Then she’ll be a star.

After a year and a half together, she decided that her need to fuck other guys was more important than my happiness, and broke it off. I was heartbroken, but deep down, I knew that it was for the best. After all, that bitch was crazy, and nobody wants to marry a nut job. Also, this allowed me the opportunity to sleep with her friends. But, even with all that, letting go was still a traumatic experience.

What does this have to do with the Marlins?

During the final hour of the trade deadline yesterday, the Marlins banished the love of my life to the deepest, darkest depths of the bench. When it was announced that Washington first baseman, Nick Johnson, would be headed to Florida, it most likely signaled the end of Emilio Bonifacio’s usefulness to this team. Johnson would take first, Cantu would move to third and E5 pull up a comfy seat in the dugout.

If my relationship with Emilio were posted on Facebook, it would, no doubt, be listed as: it’s complicated. He frustrates me more than any player I’ve ever watched, because he’s not particularly good at anything. He can’t hit, can’t draw walks, can’t field, doesn’t know how to iron and leaves the seat cover up after taking a piss. But in those rare moments, where he finds himself on the base paths, he’s like a beautiful gazelle.

Dan Le Batard has said that there’s nothing in baseball more exciting than a line drive in the gap, with Emilio Bonifacio on first. I would agree. Watching him sprint around the bases like a cheetah chasing a wounded animal causes a funny feeling to brew in my pants. He’s that exciting.

I know this team is getting better by adding Nick Johnson. Hell, I know they’re getting better by simply removing Emilio from the playing surface. I just can’t help but feel like this team will be missing something. That, as I watch Nick Johnson round second base, with all the speed of a crippled hippopotamus, I’ll feel empty inside. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but it’s hard to let go of someone you love, even if he/she drives you nuts. Even if you realize that it is for the best.

Emilio Bonifacio… I wish I knew how to quit you.

(You can show your support by getting your FREE EMILIO t-shirts here.)

What It Means To Play The Nationals

Posted in Florida Marlins, Washington Nationals on July 2, 2009 by Adam Smoot

Nationals Marlins Baseball


That’s what having the Nationals in your division does for your record.

Dating back to 2007, Florida has lost just three times to Washington, while whooping up on them twenty-five times. That’s some serious ass-kicking. Only losing to a team three times in two and a half years is cool if you play football and your divisions only play each other once every so often. But when a team is inside of your division, you face them 16 times a year and they’re only winning at a 10% clip? Man, that’s some new form of suck that the Nationals have reached.

This year, alone, Washington has lost every single game they’ve played against the Fish, they’ve lost in every conceivable fashion, and they’ve shown less progress than race-relations in middle America.

At this point in the season, the Nats are 31 games below .500 and are a solid lock for another number one pick that they can’t possibly afford to sign.

To all Washington Nationals fans reading this, I want you to remember that suicide is not the answer.

But we’d all understand.