Archive for the Recaps Category

Your Daily Dose of Hermida Sucktitude

Posted in Florida Marlins, Houston Astros, Jeremy Hermida Was Definitely Picked Last In Kickball, Recaps on August 12, 2009 by Adam Smoot

Astros Marlins Baseball

The Marlins won 9-8 on a Dan Uggla single in extra innings, they extended their winning streak to five straight and find themselves 3.5 out of first place in the NL East. But none of that is as even remotely as entertaining as Jeremy Hermida getting thrown out on a play he had no business even being a part of.

In the 10th inning, with the two out and the game tied, Emilio Bonifacio smoked a ball to left field, where the outfielder was playing about six steps off the dirt. Hermida came full speed from second and headed home… even though the ball was already back at the plate. Whether he got the signal to keep chugging or he decided to do it himself is not the important part. What’s important is that we all got to witness the epic failure that is Jeremy Hermida.

Click here for the Bright Orange Seats reenactment. (It’ll refresh five seconds after it finishes, should you want to watch it over and over and over.)

While You’re Down There…

Posted in Florida Marlins, Philadelphia Phillies, Phuck the Phillies, Recaps on August 8, 2009 by Adam Smoot

Marlins Phillies Baseball

If this isn’t a metaphor for what the Marlins have done to the Phillies so far this weekend, then really, I don’t know what is.

Friday: Marlins 3 Phillies 2
Saturday: Marlins 6 Phillies 4

No, Really, You Can Come Down From The Ledge Now…

Posted in Florida Marlins, Nats Fans Like It In The Ass, Philadelphia Phillies, Recaps, Washington Nationals on August 7, 2009 by Adam Smoot

Marlins Nationals Baseball

Well, shit, I don’t think any of us saw that one coming.

Not that it’s that big a deal.

Some folks would have you believe that this is some major catastrophe for the Marlins playoff hopes, but is it really? They got swept by a shitty team, but everyone seems to forget that they also managed to take two out of three from two first-place teams the week before, when nobody in South Florida thought they even stood a chance.

Assuming that the results of a baseball game worked out in the most logical of manners, with the better team typically notching the W, the Marlins would’ve gone 2-4 against the Dodgers and Cubs, and something like 2-1 against the Nationals. Instead, back in quirky, reality baseball, where everything is completely random and unpredictable, they went 4-2 against two really good teams and 0-3 against a crappy one. Baseball is like that sometimes.

So, instead of potentially going 4-5, they actually went… umm… 4-5.

Now, cool your fucking jets, people.

Next up for the Marlins is what any team mired in a slump would add to their wish list: a weekend series with the defending World Champions. A team whose cock-gobbling fans have actually earned the right to talk shit. Unlike these cock-gobbling fans

You Know, If We Could Just Do That 8th Inning Over…

Posted in Florida Marlins, Recaps, Washington Nationals on August 5, 2009 by Adam Smoot

Marlins Nationals Baseball

There isn’t all that much to say about this game.

Josh Johnson was spectacular on the mound (and at the plate), the offense chased J.D. Martin from the game early on and the Marlins dominated for 89% of the night. Usually, those things are enough to deliver a win. Sadly, that isn’t always the case.

Whatever. Call me a jinx, if you want, but the truth is, there is no such thing. The Nationals still suck, the Marlins had a shitty inning and that’s all it took to fuck up JJ’s night. Of course, things would’ve been different if one man hadn’t stranded an entire baseball team. (No really, nine runners. An entire fucking baseball team.) Hmm. Now, who could that have been?

We’ll go at it again tomorrow night and the Nationals will suck some more.

Now, let’s try to suck a little less, shall we?

(H/T to Marlins Die-Hards for the Hermida image)

How Can One Team Be So Bad? Oh Right. It’s the Nationals…

Posted in Florida Marlins, Recaps, Washington Nationals on August 4, 2009 by Adam Smoot


After sweeping the Padres and taking the next three series from the Dodgers, Braves and Cubs–all playoff teams, mind you–the MLB gods were nice enough to give the Marlins the week off.

Typically, the baseball gods don’t like to show their kind heart, but this week they gave in and showed their softer side, offering the Marlins a three-game series against the Nationals, just two days after giving them the gift of Kevin Gregg.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. In Major League Baseball, any team can beat any other team on any given day. Well, that’s horseshit. The Nationals are about as close to a Major League team as Bud Selig is to a Major League commissioner. So far, this clusterfuck of a franchise has managed to win just 34 games… none of which have come against the Marlins. Zero wins in nine chances. And those games were played when they had their best player.

Over the next three games, the Marlins will tee off on the ultimately shitty pitching stylings of J.D. Martin, John Lannan (the Beatle??), and Craig Stammen. None of whom have a winning record. Or a decent ERA. Or any chance in hell of winning. You almost want to feel bad for this team.

So, take a break from the television this week, finish that kitchen project your wife has been bitching about and forget about baseball for a while. When you come back on Friday, the Fish should have three more wins under their belt and another date with the defending World Champions.

In A Few Hours, We’ll Know If Mr. Khan Was Full of Shit

Posted in Atlanta Braves, Florida Marlins, Manny In Miami, Recaps, Trade Deadline on July 31, 2009 by Adam Smoot


The Marlins returned to mere mortal status last night, with a loss to the Braves in extras, but all eyes are on the trade deadline, which comes to a close somewhere around dinner time at the old age home.

Will the Marlins be buyers? Sellers? Is Cody Ross going to the Yankees? Will Adrian Gonzalez wind up coming back with the team that drafted him? Could the Marlins generate enough Halladay buzz in the final moments to make us create another t-shirt that will be useless by the end of the day?

Check the Twitter page, as we’ll try to keep you posted there.

Happy Trade Deadline Day

Ask and El Cool JJ Shall Deliver

Posted in Atlanta Braves, El Cool JJ, Florida Marlins, Josh Johnson, Recaps on July 30, 2009 by Adam Smoot

Braves Marlins Baseball

On Wednesday, I asked for the head of Kenshin Kawakami.

On Thursday night, the Marlins delivered it on a silver platter, with an apple stuffed in its mouth and surrounded by leafy vegetables.

El Cool JJ allowed three runs over six innings, but he did more damage with his bat than his throwing arm. With the Fish up 1-0 in the 4th, Josh Johnson slapped a fastball over the center field wall for a three-run homer, a 4-0 lead and a swift kick right to the nuts of the Atlanta Braves.

Next up, Javier Vasquez. And I don’t think I need to tell you what I wish for…