Archive for the Florida Marlins Category

Your Daily Dose of Hermida Sucktitude

Posted in Florida Marlins, Houston Astros, Jeremy Hermida Was Definitely Picked Last In Kickball, Recaps on August 12, 2009 by Adam Smoot

Astros Marlins Baseball

The Marlins won 9-8 on a Dan Uggla single in extra innings, they extended their winning streak to five straight and find themselves 3.5 out of first place in the NL East. But none of that is as even remotely as entertaining as Jeremy Hermida getting thrown out on a play he had no business even being a part of.

In the 10th inning, with the two out and the game tied, Emilio Bonifacio smoked a ball to left field, where the outfielder was playing about six steps off the dirt. Hermida came full speed from second and headed home… even though the ball was already back at the plate. Whether he got the signal to keep chugging or he decided to do it himself is not the important part. What’s important is that we all got to witness the epic failure that is Jeremy Hermida.

Click here for the Bright Orange Seats reenactment. (It’ll refresh five seconds after it finishes, should you want to watch it over and over and over.)

While You’re Down There…

Posted in Florida Marlins, Philadelphia Phillies, Phuck the Phillies, Recaps on August 8, 2009 by Adam Smoot

Marlins Phillies Baseball

If this isn’t a metaphor for what the Marlins have done to the Phillies so far this weekend, then really, I don’t know what is.

Friday: Marlins 3 Phillies 2
Saturday: Marlins 6 Phillies 4

No, Really, You Can Come Down From The Ledge Now…

Posted in Florida Marlins, Nats Fans Like It In The Ass, Philadelphia Phillies, Recaps, Washington Nationals on August 7, 2009 by Adam Smoot

Marlins Nationals Baseball

Well, shit, I don’t think any of us saw that one coming.

Not that it’s that big a deal.

Some folks would have you believe that this is some major catastrophe for the Marlins playoff hopes, but is it really? They got swept by a shitty team, but everyone seems to forget that they also managed to take two out of three from two first-place teams the week before, when nobody in South Florida thought they even stood a chance.

Assuming that the results of a baseball game worked out in the most logical of manners, with the better team typically notching the W, the Marlins would’ve gone 2-4 against the Dodgers and Cubs, and something like 2-1 against the Nationals. Instead, back in quirky, reality baseball, where everything is completely random and unpredictable, they went 4-2 against two really good teams and 0-3 against a crappy one. Baseball is like that sometimes.

So, instead of potentially going 4-5, they actually went… umm… 4-5.

Now, cool your fucking jets, people.

Next up for the Marlins is what any team mired in a slump would add to their wish list: a weekend series with the defending World Champions. A team whose cock-gobbling fans have actually earned the right to talk shit. Unlike these cock-gobbling fans

When Good Fans Go Bad: Washington Natinals Edition

Posted in Blow A Goat, Florida Marlins, Washington Nationals on August 6, 2009 by Adam Smoot


As with everything in life, there’s a lesson to be learned from these last three games against the Nationals. Its a simple lesson, really, that has nothing to do with karma or speaking too soon. Simply put, it is this:


If your favorite team is knee-deep in suck, gets a little lucky, wins a few, but is still a handful of games behind that autistic softball team that Kansas City throws out there every night, then you should probably just shut the fuck up.


Over the last few days, it seems that some Nationals fans have found this little slice of heaven that I call home. At first, it was cute; like your five-year-old brother kicking you in the shin for stealing his toys. You know you can beat his ass, but it’s so adorable that deep down inside that tiny little frame of his, he really believes he can take you. Unfortunately, there’s an imaginary line that separates cute from obnoxious, and every so often, your little brother crosses it, leaving you no choice but to put him in his place. So, here goes…


To the Nats fans with their newfound, terribly misguided, sense of pride, I say this.


Your team is still fucking horrible. This isn’t a whole new team, as you like to claim. It’s the same fucking garbage your shitty ass franchise trots out every fucking year. In the five seasons that Major League Baseball has inexplicably opted to not contract you, you’ve never had a winning record and finished better than last in the NL East just once. And even that season left you 16 games back of the division lead.


Last year, your squad managed to put together an unspeakably bad 59-win season that left them 25 games behind the third place Marlins and 32 1/2 behind the first place Phillies. How the fuck can one team suck so horribly that they finish over 32 games back? Six midgets, two paraplegics and a mythical unicorn could put together a more productive season than that.


Your team hadn’t won a single game against the Marlins this season until Tuesday night And even now, after all your meaningless trash talk and chest-thumbing, your clusterfuck of a franchise is 3-9 against the Fish in 2009. You can’t talk shit when you’re winning less than 30% of the time. You just can’t.


If there’s any decency in the world, Major League Baseball will wait until the season ends, disband your horseshit team, tear down Nationals Park and destroy any known evidence that baseball ever existed in Washington, post 1971.


You guys are a fucking joke. Humble pie? Why don’t you eat big box of humble dick?


See you guys in September. And don’t worry, we know where to find you…


Dead. Fucking. Last.

You Know, If We Could Just Do That 8th Inning Over…

Posted in Florida Marlins, Recaps, Washington Nationals on August 5, 2009 by Adam Smoot

Marlins Nationals Baseball

There isn’t all that much to say about this game.

Josh Johnson was spectacular on the mound (and at the plate), the offense chased J.D. Martin from the game early on and the Marlins dominated for 89% of the night. Usually, those things are enough to deliver a win. Sadly, that isn’t always the case.

Whatever. Call me a jinx, if you want, but the truth is, there is no such thing. The Nationals still suck, the Marlins had a shitty inning and that’s all it took to fuck up JJ’s night. Of course, things would’ve been different if one man hadn’t stranded an entire baseball team. (No really, nine runners. An entire fucking baseball team.) Hmm. Now, who could that have been?

We’ll go at it again tomorrow night and the Nationals will suck some more.

Now, let’s try to suck a little less, shall we?

(H/T to Marlins Die-Hards for the Hermida image)

How Can One Team Be So Bad? Oh Right. It’s the Nationals…

Posted in Florida Marlins, Recaps, Washington Nationals on August 4, 2009 by Adam Smoot


After sweeping the Padres and taking the next three series from the Dodgers, Braves and Cubs–all playoff teams, mind you–the MLB gods were nice enough to give the Marlins the week off.

Typically, the baseball gods don’t like to show their kind heart, but this week they gave in and showed their softer side, offering the Marlins a three-game series against the Nationals, just two days after giving them the gift of Kevin Gregg.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. In Major League Baseball, any team can beat any other team on any given day. Well, that’s horseshit. The Nationals are about as close to a Major League team as Bud Selig is to a Major League commissioner. So far, this clusterfuck of a franchise has managed to win just 34 games… none of which have come against the Marlins. Zero wins in nine chances. And those games were played when they had their best player.

Over the next three games, the Marlins will tee off on the ultimately shitty pitching stylings of J.D. Martin, John Lannan (the Beatle??), and Craig Stammen. None of whom have a winning record. Or a decent ERA. Or any chance in hell of winning. You almost want to feel bad for this team.

So, take a break from the television this week, finish that kitchen project your wife has been bitching about and forget about baseball for a while. When you come back on Friday, the Fish should have three more wins under their belt and another date with the defending World Champions.

Why You Should Love Nick Johnson

Posted in Florida Marlins, Glorious Facial Hair, Nick Johnson on August 1, 2009 by Adam Smoot


Now that I’ve openly discussed my tumulous relationship with E5, let’s start talking about our new, beautifully sloven, first baseman.

Nick Johnson is many things.

Larry Bowa’s nephew. A career .400 OBP guy. Always injured. A free agent after this season. The second best hitter in the Marlins lineup. And, quite possibly, the owner of the most gloriously horrendous head in the majors.

No, really. Look at Nick Johnson from the torso down and you’ll see your average baseball player. Nothing to marvel at, but a lot less grotesque than the fat guy sitting next to you on a six-hour, cross-country flight. If you glance upward, though, you’ll see the true beauty of the man the Marlins acquired at the deadline.

What the Marlins received from the Nationals this Friday is part bear, part grandfather. His patience, plate discipline and ability to get on base are rivaled only by his inability to locate a razor or grow hair anywhere near the front of his head. He’s the creepy uncle you’re hesitant to leave your kids alone with. He’s a masterpiece; a beatifully crafted work of caveman art.

And he’s starting at first base tonight, for the first time, as a member of the Florida Marlins.