Archive for the Announcements Category

A Memo To Those Who Are New To These Parts

Posted in Announcements on August 10, 2009 by Adam Smoot

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When I started this site a little over a year ago, I did so with the idea that I’d be poking fun at some of the ridiculousness that surrounds the sacred sport of baseball. I didn’t do it to get noticed, or be the next Deadspin, or any other unbelievably stupid reason some people may accuse me of. Seven readers? Seven hundred readers? I wasn’t all that concerned. If I wanted to become famous, I’d like to think I’d be smart enough to start a blog that centers around something people actually care about… like drunken text messages or how fucked my life is. I started this site because I like writing and being an obnoxious goofball. That’s it.

Too often, this sport, more than any other, is looked at as a fragile porcelain vase, meant to be handled with only the utmost care. The people who cover baseball in the media treat the sport as if it were some cathedral that you dare not blaspheme against. Stats are overanalyzed, records are worshipped and players are immortalized. And for some unknown reason, fans eat that shit up like Cocoa Puffs.

What a fucking joke.

Baseball is the sport where an overweight manager, dressed in glorified pajamas, waddles onto the field to dispute a call by yelling and screaming at the umpire, all while kicking dirt at his shins. And this is something I’m supposed to take seriously? This sport has it’s fair share of liars, cheaters and alcoholics, just like every other sport, so let’s not pretend that there’s a whole lot of purity that needs to be maintained, either. The whole point of Bright Orange Seats was to take a flame thrower to this bullshit house of worship and its oversensitive zealots.

Clearly, some of you missed that.

What I’m trying to say is this. If you’re looking for statistical analysis or a detailed breakdown of the bats in the Marlins farm system, you’re in the wrong place. There are plenty of other sites that can bore you to tears with that information. Good for them, if that’s their thing. I’d rather waste my down time taking jabs at players, talking shit to opposing fans and doing all the things that actually provide some modicum of entertainment in this otherwise vanilla sport. You know, all the things people actually do in real life. Despite what Bud Selig, the media or Congress may want you to believe, baseball isn’t supposed to be taken so seriously. It’s a fucking game. It can’t be taken seriously. So, yes, when Brett Myers is pitching, you’ll get this. And when Derek Jeter comes to town, I’ll smack him in the face with his fabled clutch stick. And when the Nationals step foot in Land Shark Joe Robbie Stadium, I’ll be sure to remind their fans that now would be a good time to grab the toaster, jump in the tub and end the misery of being a Nats faithful, before it gets any worse. It’s just a fucking joke. If you’re taking any of my insults and outbursts 100% seriously, then you’re an idiot. There is no way to sugarcoat that.

There are plenty of sites on the internet that will give you what you’re looking for. If you don’t like my choice of adjectives, you can always check out a site that uses words that are less offensive and contain more than four letters. The choice is yours.

So, to those who still don’t quite get it, may your life be filled with herpe-riddled prostitutes and enormous, triangular anal beads. You clearly don’t deserve to use a computer. You barely deserve to live. Please off yourself. I’ll provide the toaster.

To those who are in on the joke, though, it’s good to have you.

Now let’s get back to business, shall we?

Ever Witness a Train Wreck?

Posted in 560 WQAM, Announcements, Milk Was A Bad Choice, Trainwrecks on June 16, 2009 by Adam Smoot

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If not, you’ll get your first chance tonight at 9:30pm EST, when I make an appearance on 560 WQAM.

Anyone who knows me understands that I don’t do phones. There’s just something about them that messes with my head and causes me to sound like I should be riding the short bus. So, tonight, when I go on the DA Show, you can probably expect some mumbling, a little stuttering and a whole lot of uncomfortable radio.

On second thought, this could be the funniest thing you’ve ever heard.

Sorry about the short notice, but you should do whatever it is you have to do to get to a radio tonight and listen to, what will surely be, an unmitigated disaster.

Announcements: More Smoot for Everyone!

Posted in Announcements, Bleacher Report on June 10, 2009 by Adam Smoot

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For those who can’t get enough of my writing, I’ll be posting some stuff at Bleacher Report over the next few weeks. (Just a little experiment to satisfy my boredom.) Some of it will be new and some will just be reposted pieces from Bright Orange Seats. Don’t worry about bookmarking the page or anything, though, since I’ll probably drop a link to any new post somewhere on here, anyway. Just thought you all should know, in case you wanted your entire life to revolve around me. (Which I would totally understand.)

Anyway, you can find my first BR post HERE.

Enjoy.

Why Don’t We Get Drunk and… Rename the Stadium?

Posted in Announcements, Jimmy Buffett, Name Calling on May 2, 2009 by Adam Smoot

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For reals, yo?

Dolphin Stadium set to become Land Shark Stadium

Today, it’s Dolphin Stadium. But get ready soon for Land Shark Stadium, named for a brew that’s obscure now but has big aspirations: Land Shark Lager is a joint project of Anheuser Busch and Key West icon Jimmy Buffett.

So, basically, the Marlins will be playing in a stadium named after a beer I’ve never heard of, which happens to be the creation of a man whose music I’ve never particularly cared for. Awesome.

I suppose it’s better than playing all your home games in Margaritaville.

Notice Anything Different?

Posted in Announcements, MLB Supports Breast Cancer...Or Something, Mother's Day on May 1, 2009 by Adam Smoot

We warned you. We weren’t kidding about this pink shit.

With baseball doing their part to support a great cause, we thought we’d jump right in and offer our support. For the entire month of May, we’ll leave up that flashy pink banner for all to see. We’ll also keep a link for the Susan G. Komen for the Cure website on the right side of your screen.

Because really, if our boys are gonna be swinging pink bats, this is the least we could do.

Ok, Fine. We’ll Have One More Go At This

Posted in Announcements, Florida Marlins on April 5, 2009 by Adam Smoot

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You missed us. You know you missed us. Admit it. Your bowels were starting to get backed up there, for a while, without us.

No worries. Take some Colace, get the shit moving again and jump back on the bandwagon.

For a while, work was getting in the way of this here fine blog, and we had to choose between one or the other. Clearly, the wrong decision was made. Now, with the economy in the toilet and every company in America downsizing, a person has to have some kind of talent to fall back on, should he become expendable. Or, you know, something to do when he’s done sending out resumes begging for change on the side of the road.

To summarize… we’re back.

We’ve got our hair cut and our diamond-encrusted Star of David tucked neatly beneath the collar of our shirt. We’ve lost Scotty Pimp and Boom Boom Jacobs, but managed to pick up something called a Bonifacio. (Hopefully the penicillin will clear it up.) We’ve got stadium rights and legitimate Super Saturday performers. Oh, and there’s a strong possibility that our starting rotation is awesome enough to abuse the entire NL East, reset the National Debt Clock and rescue Mufasa from the wildebeest stampede.

Of course, some things will be changing a little.

We’ll be scaling back a bit to try and make our work and blog schedules play nicely together this time around. Last season, our plan was to bring you every detail of every game, no matter how insanely boring the game might have been. Not anymore. There were too many games last year, in the middle of the season, where absolutely nothing happened. Nobody wants to read stale jokes in a generic recap of a highlightless game in the beginning of the summer. (And we sure as hell don’t want to write them.)

Now, that doesn’t mean we won’t be as involved as we possibly can. It just means that if there’s a deadline at work and the Marlins are playing the Nationals on a Thursday afternoon in the beginning of July, you should look elsewhere for the recap.

All trades and roster moves will be covered. Unless it’s Brett Carroll moving back and forth between the Marlins and one of their Minor League affiliates.

Football will still be discussed because we have an unhealthy obsession with the sport. But, since there’s already someone doing an unbelievable job covering that team, we’ll probably limit our Dolphins rants to major events and actual games. Also, we don’t want to get cock-punched for stepping on toes. Also, we’re Falcons fans.

So, there it is. Our mission statement, laid out for all to see.

We’re really excited to see you around here again this season. Don’t forget to tell your friends we’re back. And your mothers. Mothers fucking love us.

Let’s do this shit!

Sincerely,
Adam Smoot

You Play To Win The Game

Posted in Announcements, Miami Dolphins on August 23, 2008 by Adam Smoot

And we live-blog to make fun of the game.

Just, you know, not tonight.

In an effort to preserve our sanity, we’ve come to the conclusion that live-blogging every Dolphins game this year would probably kill us. Not in a metaphorical sense, either. No, we would literally wind up with our wrists slashed, quietly passing away in a bathtub full of bloody water.

But, don’t you worry. We wouldn’t leave you empty handed this season. We’re working on something we like to think is the mother of all game previews. That one will be out every Saturday of the season. Then on Monday or Tuesday, we’ll break down every single aspect of the game, in a humorous, all-too-lenghthy analysis post that’ll make TMQ look like a 3rd grade book report.

Of course, over the course of the season, we’ll be live-blogging a few games here and there; most notably, Week 1. (We wouldn’t wanna miss out on Brett Favre’s first game as a Jet, would we?) After that, we’ll let you know our live-blog schedule to make sure you don’t miss on anything.

Tonight, though, we give you the night off. It’s the preseason and it’s the Chiefs. This wouldn’t even be exciting if Trent Green drew up a diabolical plot to blow up the stadium at halftime.

We’re going out and getting drunk tonight. See y’all tomorrow.