A Memo To Those Who Are New To These Parts


When I started this site a little over a year ago, I did so with the idea that I’d be poking fun at some of the ridiculousness that surrounds the sacred sport of baseball. I didn’t do it to get noticed, or be the next Deadspin, or any other unbelievably stupid reason some people may accuse me of. Seven readers? Seven hundred readers? I wasn’t all that concerned. If I wanted to become famous, I’d like to think I’d be smart enough to start a blog that centers around something people actually care about… like drunken text messages or how fucked my life is. I started this site because I like writing and being an obnoxious goofball. That’s it.

Too often, this sport, more than any other, is looked at as a fragile porcelain vase, meant to be handled with only the utmost care. The people who cover baseball in the media treat the sport as if it were some cathedral that you dare not blaspheme against. Stats are overanalyzed, records are worshipped and players are immortalized. And for some unknown reason, fans eat that shit up like Cocoa Puffs.

What a fucking joke.

Baseball is the sport where an overweight manager, dressed in glorified pajamas, waddles onto the field to dispute a call by yelling and screaming at the umpire, all while kicking dirt at his shins. And this is something I’m supposed to take seriously? This sport has it’s fair share of liars, cheaters and alcoholics, just like every other sport, so let’s not pretend that there’s a whole lot of purity that needs to be maintained, either. The whole point of Bright Orange Seats was to take a flame thrower to this bullshit house of worship and its oversensitive zealots.

Clearly, some of you missed that.

What I’m trying to say is this. If you’re looking for statistical analysis or a detailed breakdown of the bats in the Marlins farm system, you’re in the wrong place. There are plenty of other sites that can bore you to tears with that information. Good for them, if that’s their thing. I’d rather waste my down time taking jabs at players, talking shit to opposing fans and doing all the things that actually provide some modicum of entertainment in this otherwise vanilla sport. You know, all the things people actually do in real life. Despite what Bud Selig, the media or Congress may want you to believe, baseball isn’t supposed to be taken so seriously. It’s a fucking game. It can’t be taken seriously. So, yes, when Brett Myers is pitching, you’ll get this. And when Derek Jeter comes to town, I’ll smack him in the face with his fabled clutch stick. And when the Nationals step foot in Land Shark Joe Robbie Stadium, I’ll be sure to remind their fans that now would be a good time to grab the toaster, jump in the tub and end the misery of being a Nats faithful, before it gets any worse. It’s just a fucking joke. If you’re taking any of my insults and outbursts 100% seriously, then you’re an idiot. There is no way to sugarcoat that.

There are plenty of sites on the internet that will give you what you’re looking for. If you don’t like my choice of adjectives, you can always check out a site that uses words that are less offensive and contain more than four letters. The choice is yours.

So, to those who still don’t quite get it, may your life be filled with herpe-riddled prostitutes and enormous, triangular anal beads. You clearly don’t deserve to use a computer. You barely deserve to live. Please off yourself. I’ll provide the toaster.

To those who are in on the joke, though, it’s good to have you.

Now let’s get back to business, shall we?


3 Responses to “A Memo To Those Who Are New To These Parts”

  1. Translation: “I’m ignorant and proud of it, therefore this blog = masturbation, without the sticky hands.”

    Aren’t you lucky to have this forum where you can express yourself so inanely! I’m sure your regular readership is thoroughly entertained once they tire of Playstation and drooling on each other.

    Sorry to say the “Nats faithful” (who average 3,000 more per game than the Marlins) won’t be offing themselves any time soon; not while they’re enjoying the winningest baseball in the NL. But your pathetic act has gotten older than dirt, and I’m sure going forward you’ll get the kind of responses your writing deserves, as you did in your previous two posts.

    Adios, amigo. Until the next time the Nats fry the Fish, remember to suck on it and like it.

  2. NatsPeanuts Says:

    Finally, you accept defeat. Something you should’ve picked up along time ago. If Nats fans step into Land Shark Stadium, I guess all 10 of your fans will pick on that one guy.

    It shows that you care since you wrote up an article a few days ago quoting all the nats posters and commenting on a selected few. Take your own advice and don’t look into it to much. No run along and pray that you’ll make the playoffs.

  3. Adam, you sound like a funny guy. I actually laughed out loud at this post. Some constructive criticism for you though: you just need to tone it down; you can be funny without being a total dickhead. Congratulations on sweeping the Phillies. May the Nats faithful forgive me but… I hope the Fish do well, just not at Nats Park!

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