Archive for June, 2009

We’d Like To Make It Up To You…

Posted in Bleacher Report, Florida Marlins, Recaps, Tampa Bay Rays, Twitter, Washington Nationals on June 30, 2009 by Adam Smoot

mermaidsss

Due to some technical difficulties (more specifically, my laptop sucking), there was nothing new going on over here this weekend. To make it up to you, I give you the picture above. Don’t say I’ve never given you anything.

Let’s run down a little bit of what you missed:

An Upbeat Way To Start Your Weekend!

Posted in Death, Michael Jackson, Touch Little Boys on June 26, 2009 by Adam Smoot

comesin3s

(Note: All Farrah Fawcett links on this page should be deemed NSFW. Consider yourselves warned.)

In one 72-hour period, the world lost its most famous sidekick, its greatest entertainer and its most fascinating nipples.

It’s sad that they all had to die, but what’s even more depressing than that is what they’ll each be remembered for in the years following their tragic deaths.

Once upon a time, Ed McMahon was the witty announcer by Johnny Carson’s side. Unfortunately, people my age will only remember him as the guy who brought giant checks to people’s doors and as the other guy in those Cash4Gold Super Bowl spots. Seriously? Playing second fiddle to MC Hammer? What the hell is wrong with this country?

Farrah Fawcett should be remembered for one thing and one thing only, and it’s not Charlie’s Angels.

The Michael Jackson situation is even more baffling. To kids today, MJ is simply that guy who innapropriately touched Macaulay Culkin and a bunch of other little boys. They have no idea that before he turned himself into a circus freak, he was probably the greatest entertainer to walk the planet. Do you even remember Captain EO at Epcot Center? Moonwalker? The Free Willy soundtrack?!? In my eyes, the most depressing thing about Michael Jackson is that, to today’s kids, he’ll always be remembered as the guy who showed up to court in his pajamas.

This has nothing to do with the Marlins, Dolphins or sports in general, but it needed to be said because it’s Thursday night and I’ve had way too much to drink.

Plus, I’m not sure why, but Cody Ross totally looks like a little boy Michael would’ve taken a liking to…

Enjoy your weekend.

With Each Lead-Off Hit, Brian Roberts Dooms His Team

Posted in And I Was Like... Emiliooooo!, Baltimore Orioles, baseball, Florida Marlins, Recaps on June 25, 2009 by Adam Smoot

Orioles Marlins Baseball

If the Marlins were smart, they’d let Brian Roberts lead off the next game with a base hit.

In each of the first two games of the series, Roberts reached safely on the first at-bat of the night. And in each of those games, the O’s have done absolutey nothing against that particular Marlins’ starter.

On Tuesday, Andew Miller gave up a double to start the game, but left after 7 innings of one-hit ball. The following night, Ricky Nolasco allowed Roberts to single, and then proceeded to go 7 strong, allowing just two runs. Both unearned.

Unlike the previous night, this game ended without the drama. With Leo Nunez and Matt Lindstrom out with injuries, Reynal Pinto and Dan Meyer closed out the 8th and 9th respectively, to earn the Marlins a 5-2 victory and a return to being marginally better than mediocre.

One thing to note about this game: I’m not sure whether I want to punch Emilio Bonifacio (from here on out, dubbed E5) in the stomach or kiss him on the lips.

A throwing error by E5 in the 6th allowed the Orioles to put two runs on the board. This prompted a flurry of four-letter words to fly out of my mouth. But, just an inning later, he managed to turn an attempted steal of second into a run–and some breathing room for Nolasco–after a bad throw sailed into center field.

I, honestly, don’t know what to do with him. Definitely doing a full post on him, alone, at some point in the near future. It will probably include many curse words. Keep the kiddies away from that one.

Sometimes These Things Take A Little Longer Than Expected

Posted in And I Was Like... Emiliooooo!, Baltimore Orioles, Florida Marlins, Matt Lindstrom, Recaps on June 24, 2009 by Adam Smoot

Orioles Marlins Baseball

A sprinkle of Leo Nunez and a whole spoonful of Matt Lindstrom.

I can’t be sure, but I’m pretty confident those are the key ingredients in any chocolate chip aneurysm cookie recipe.

To be fair, Nunez had only allowed a runner to cross the plate in one of his last twelve games, so the two he allowed in the eighth tonight were forgiveable. Lindstrom, on the other hand, continues to pitch with all the consistency of my grandmother’s bowels.

Just two nights removed from almost blowing the Yankees game, Kevin Gregg v2.0 went out and coughed up a 6-3 lead in the bottom of the ninth. Four hits and three runs on just 16 pitches would send this bad boy into extra innings. (In Lindstrom’s defense, though, it was the heart of the O’s order.*)

Get used to innings like that.

What you shouldn’t get used to is what happened in the bottom of the twelfth.

First, Emilio Bonifacio drew a lead-off walk. (Huh?) Then, on a wild pitch, he managed to make it to second without getting caught in a rundown. (Wha??) And finally, after an intentional walk to Hanley Ramirez (Which is probably the smart play considering he hit a grand slam ball earlier.), Jorge Cantu poked one to left, allowing Bonifacio to do the one thing he’s actually really good at–be fast.

Marlins pull out the win, 7-6 in twelve.

*Heart of the order = 7th batter + 2 pinch hitters

Monday’s Notes: Come On, Shake Your Body Baby, Do That Conga!

Posted in Florida Marlins, Miami Dolphins, Musician Infestation, New York Yankees on June 22, 2009 by Adam Smoot

gloria

While I was busy attending a wedding and winning a softball championship this weekend, let’s get everyone up to speed on what’s been going down in South Florida.

  • The Yankees were in town. You may’ve noticed real people actually sitting in the seats of Land Shark Stadium. And as gracious hosts, the Marlins didn’t let them leave empty handed. They, of course, sent them home with matching losses.
  • And a proper ass kicking.
  • In case you didn’t have enough washed-up South Florida icons polluting your sports town, allow me to point you in the direction of this piece from the Miami New Times.

Fish get the night off, but pick up where they left off against my former love, the Baltimore Orioles. And while my new honey has been looking pretty hot the last two years, the old flame looks like she’s been through a coke addiction and several trips to rehab since we broke up.

No, you can’t borrow five bucks to score an 8-ball.

Father’s Day: The Bright Orange Seats Way

Posted in A Very Special Hate, baseball, Fathers Day, Florida Marlins, New York Yankees on June 21, 2009 by Adam Smoot

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I know nobody likes to imagine this, but the only reason you’re even sitting here reading this is because some woman with seriously questionable morals let a stranger pry her with drinks until they were both pantsless, in the back seat of a 1968 Dodge Charger, making all the wrong decisions.

That woman was your mom. That man was your dad. And whether you choose to believe it or not, they’re probably still reenacting that scene once a month.

Yes, your dad is still slamming the shit out of your mom on the kitchen table whenever you’re not around. He’s bending her over the couch and playing a game of Oops, Where’d My Finger Go?, all while SportsCenter blares from the living room television. Your dad is a real man; a real man who tears that shit up on a regular basis.

Today is Father’s Day.

Today we celebrate the man who fucked your mother. And, really, what better way to celebrate this day than by paying tribute to some of the biggest mother fuckers you’ll find at Landshark Stadium this afternoon…

Joe Girardi: No, don’t worry Joe. It’s ok. Thousands of people finally decide to leave their houses and head out to a Marlins game and you think it’s perfectly acceptable to sit your star player? You know, the star player who happens to also be from this town? Because, really, the fans down here were fucking jacked to see Angel Berroa. Part of me wants to believe you did this to spite the Marlins for how they treated you. The other part of me knows that you’re way too stupid to even think of that. (Dammit. I wanted to hate you for this, but it seems I cannot. Instead I’ll hate you for a bunch of other reasons.)

Melky Cabrera & Robinson Cano: Understand that you are baseball players. You both play in New York. You’re both very rich and very famous. And yet, for some inexplicable reason, you both choose to go dumpster diving…

melkycabrerakissyface

Derek Jeter: I blame you for all that is wrong with traditional baseball analysis. It’s your fault that I’m forced to listen to blowhards on television wax poetic about character guys in the locker room. It’s your fault that the word clutch is even in my vocabulary. It’s your fault that my sister had to pay $17 for parking two years ago. You may be a surefire future Hall of Famer, but I beg of you, just go away.

Andy Pettitte: I’m absolutely amazed at how puzzlingly stupid society is. You’ve used HGH only twice, the same way I’ve been drunk and thrown up on myself only a handful of times. How this blatant lie has somehow escaped America’s torch-carrying, pitchfork-wielding steroid mob is beyond me. Even Sammy Sosa fucking hates you right now.

A.J. Burnett: When will A.J. wind up on the DL again? Birght Orange Seats’ over/under is set at 4 more starts.

Johnny Damon: I think it’s safe to say that Red Sox fans will always love their former scruffy-bearded caveman centerfielder.

Or not…

Alex Rodriguez: Considering the top five results when typing “A-Rod is” into Google are dead, a liar, a fraud, a douche and orange, I don’t know if there’s anything more I can add to the discussion.

Yankees Fans: My New York hatred is usually reserved for Mets fans, but because you folks are in town this weekend, I’ll make sure to spread the love. You wanna know why people hate you? This is why. And because you live and die by your shitty team, while the rest of us find better things to do with our time. To you, sports is an escape from your otherwise miserable lives. To the rest of the world, it’s just entertainment. So, go out to the stadium and be an insufferable prick today. Just remember to bring sunblock, because you might not be aware, but sunburns are a hell of a lot more painful than spray tans.

spraytan

Eh. I could be wrong.

If I missed anyone, feel free to add ’em in the comments.

Quote of the Week

Posted in Boston Red Sox, Brad Penny, Florida Marlins, Quote of the Week, Terry Francona on June 20, 2009 by Adam Smoot

He’s a strong kid and he likes to pitch. But when the game was over I came in to pat him on the chest and I thought he had a pacemaker.
–Terry Francona on Brad Penny’s welt, after taking a Jeremy Hermida line drive off the chest