Archive for April, 2009

O Hai. I Iz Blowin Ur Leed. KTHNXBYE

Posted in Florida Marlins, Mets Suck, New York Mets, Putz, Recaps on April 30, 2009 by Adam Smoot

ihazanaproponame

If baseball were a science project, it would have hundreds of variables; the length of Manny’s dreads, the girth of C.C. Sabathia, the grit of David Eckstein, etc., etc. There would, however, be just one constant:

God’s hatred for the Mets.

Last year, New York’s biggest problem was that Johan Santana couldn’t pitch all 9 innings. He’d come out after 7 strong, only to watch his bullpen blow a 3-run lead. To fix this, the Mets spent their entire offseason solving this problem.

I think we know where this is headed.

Santana left yesterday’s game with 7Ks and a 3-2 lead, after 7 innings. Smoooooooth sailing…

That is, until God decided to start paying attention as soon as Cody Ross stepped in the box against J.J. Putz, in the 8th.

Final: Marlins 4 Mets 3

Someone had better remove all the sharp objects from Johan Santana’s locker.

Ok, We’ve Stopped The Bleeding. Now Does Anyone Wanna Clean This Shit Up?

Posted in Florida Marlins, Mets Suck, New York Mets, Recaps on April 29, 2009 by Adam Smoot

bleeding

Without making too much of a big deal out of it, Bright Orange Seats would just like to inform you that the bleeding has been temporarily stopped. That’s all we’re going to say out of fear for the jinx. So yea, Cantu homers twice as the Marlins beat the Mets 7-4 to end a 7-game skid.

Shh. Don’t tell anyone.

One Hundred Sixty-Two Games

Posted in baseball, Florida Marlins on April 28, 2009 by Adam Smoot

dolphinstadium

If you read THIS, you know that my biggest gripe with baseball is the length of its season. They can easily chop off 20 or 30 games and nobody would notice. But there is a little something special about the magic of the 162-game schedule…

A lot can happen in 162 games. Players get hot, cold, traded, injured, brought up and sent down. Momentum swings with a third inning home run, just as it does with a tenth inning error. Point is, over the course of 7 months, consistency is hardly your friend.

One hundred sixty-two games.

Football’s biggest flaw is that if your team has a bad stretch, you kind of know where the season is headed. If they lose 3 of 4 in the begging of the year, you’ll likely find yourself studying a lot more college football to see how your team can improve next season.

In terms of fan enjoyment, baseball is totally different… and totally amazing. A team can start the season on top of the world, find themselves below .500 by the All-Star break and then right back in the thick of the playoffs by August. It’s crazy.

There are highs and lows in every sport, but because of the length of the season and the number of things that can–and will–change over that time, it’s intensified. Emilio Bonifaco makes your heart race with playoff excitement, and less than a month later, Matt Lindstrom takes that hope and grooves it down the middle, to Shane Victorino. Get used to it, because Dan Uggla will bat .152 for an extended stretch and Josh Johnson will give up 15 runs in back-to-back outings. But Jorge Cantu will also hit 6 dongs in a week and Ricky Nolasco will strike out 14 batters in a game. Your spirit will be crushed over and over again, and you’ll be higher than my 11th grade anatomy teacher at least a dozen more times this season.

In baseball, the highs are higher and the lows are lower, but that’s why we, as fans, are more passionate about our sport than anyone else. It’s why we memorize stats and feel genuinely betrayed by dirty, lying cheaters. (Though, some of us are willing to let that slide.)

You watch basketball. You follow football. You live baseball.

So, yes, watching Matt Lindstrom take a shit on the mound in the first game against the Phillies, made me as sick as I’ve felt in a long time. But, watching El Cool JJ get him to that point was beautiful. And seeing Cody Ross pitch a 1-2-3 inning on Sunday afternoon made me smile. That’s what a baseball season is about.

One hundred sixty-two games.

Please Stop the Bleeding

Posted in Florida Marlins, Mets Suck, New York Mets, Recaps on April 28, 2009 by Adam Smoot

Marlins Mets Baseball

You know things are bad when Anibal is the second best Sanchez on the mound…

Jesus, what the hell did the Pirates do to this team?

Seven straight losses, back-to-back blowouts and all the offense of a middle school kickball team. Their latest loss coming courtesy of John Maine, the Mets and one godawful inning by Anibal Sanchez.

On offense, two hits were all the Marlins could muster last night, and well, that wasn’t really going to cut it. Especially after the Mets dealt Anibal a Dirty Sanchez by scoring six runs in the first. (Another grand slam? Seriously, guys?) And things don’t look to get any easier for the Fish, as they face Livan Hernandez tonight (The guy who fucked them up down in Miami) and Johan Santana on Wednesday (The guy with the 0.70 ERA).

There is good news, though. I, umm… just can’t think of it.

Mocking The Mock Draft

Posted in NFL Draft, NFL Previews, Shitty Predictions on April 25, 2009 by Adam Smoot

nfl_draft_06512

It’s almost that time of year again. The time when everyone thinks they’re a fucking genius and can accurately predict the most unpredictable day of the football calendar. Makes sense.

Well, fuck that. I couldn’t name a single player in this year’s draft, and I kinda pride myself on that. It reinforces the notion that I have a life. So, instead of predicting who’s going to go where, I’m just going to go ahead and do exactly what the dictionary says:

mock1

I think I can handle the ridicule and disappointment parts of that. Let’s give it a go, shall we?

1. Detroit: Remember when the Lions had Barry Sanders? Remember Herman Moore? Johnny Morton? Germaine Crowell? The fuck happened to this franchise? I feel genuinely terrible for Matt Stafford.

2. St. Louis: Kurt Warner was Super Bowl good when he had Isaac Bruce and Torry Holt. Then he was Super Bowl good again when he had Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin. He sucked on the Giants. The Rams remind me of Kurt Warner’s tenure in New York.

3. Kansas City: Matt Cassell? You’re fucking joking, right?

4. Seattle: Matt Hasselbeck should die slowly in a fiery car crash. No man has ever sabotaged one of my fantasy seasons as hardcore as this cock-gobbling, taint-licker. You owe me $100, Matt.

5. Cleveland: Derek Anderson? Brady Quinn? Fuck that. Bring back Bernie Kosar.

6. Cincinnati: If there’s one thing a team with an image problem needs, more than anything, it’s a guy who’s been brought up on weapons charges.

7. Oakland: See: 2003-present

8. Jacksonville: I don’t know why, but I can’t take this team seriously. When your best receiver last year was a white guy with a coke problem, your team is in trouble. Luckily, they got rid of that bum and signed the lightning-quick, Torry Holt. Oh. He’ll be 33 this year? Hey, at least they have David Garrard…?

9. Green Bay: You know what’s sad? Sometimes I sit and wonder what people think of Michael Jackson. I mean, he was a musical icon. Billy Jean, Man in the Mirror, the Free Willy soundtrack; that was all him. He was easily the greatest entertainer to ever step foot on this planet, but I’m pretty sure that 95% of America would associate the name Michael Jackson with child molestation, and that saddens me. This has nothing to do with football, except, well… you know.

10. San Francisco: I wish the 49ers were my employer. Then I could spend a good half a decade fucking up and they’d still think to themselves, “Well maybe he’ll be better next year.”

Memo to the Niners front office: Alex Smith sucks.

11. Buffalo: I think it’s always smart to sign an awesome wide receiver and then trade your star left tackle so your quarterback has no time to get him the ball.

12. Denver: The Josh McDaniels Era is starting off swimmingly, huh Broncos’ fans? Wait. Where are you going with those razor blades?

13. Washington: Santana Moss and Antoine Randle El are only 5’10” (combined). I’ve been searching for a midget joke for 10 minutes, and I’ve come up with nothing. Here.

14. New Orleans: Reggie Bush is the Michael Vick of running backs. He’s not the best one you’re going to find, but he’s got a lot more to offer than any of the other average ball carriers. Plus, can you really complain when Kim Kardashian is hanging around the locker room?

15. Houston: I don’t know about you, but I’m fucking stoked about the inevitable Matt Schaub injury and subsequent beginning of the Dan Orlovsky Era in Houston. Fucking giddy, I tell ya.

16. San Diego: I wish I could do everything in life and look as cool as LT2 does when he’s wearing his visor. Imagine grocery shopping in that thing? I swear, I’d wear it during sex.

17. New York Jets: The Jets were relevant last year because of Brett Favre. Not good. Just relevant. This year, they won’t be either.

18. Denver (from Chicago): Geez. I’ve heard of multitasking, but you Broncos fans are ridiculous. Can’t you just make your toast after you get out of the shower?

19. Tampa Bay: I’m gonna miss John Gruden. Now that he and Cowher are both gone, who’s going to take over the “I-Fucking-Hate-You” Face?

20. Detroit (from Dallas): Take a receiver. Fuck it. If there’s one thing I learned as a teenager, it’s that no matter how many times you get rejected, eventually a decent looking girl will say yes to a sloppy hand job on the back of the bus.

21. Philadelphia: You know what? For all the talk about Philly fans being assholes, I don’t think I’ve ever run into one. They’re crazy. Don’t get me wrong. But they always seem more scream-and-yell passionate than actually-break-your-fucking-neck passionate. I still hope they blow this year, though.

22. Minnesota: I imagine a 37-year old Purple Jesus lying on a large black couch, in a dark office, somewhere in Michigan, sobbing uncontrollably, while he tries to figure out where it all went wrong. The nameplate on the door reads: Dr. B. Sanders.

23. New England: Tom Brady’s knee is officially more important than whatever the fuck Barack Obama does with the budget. Take a moment to reflect on everything that happened because of that one injury.

Everyone outside of Boston united as one giant, sick and twisted, anti-Patriots fan base, twenty-million fantasy owners became instant donors, the 1-15 Dolphins won the AFC East, the 18-1 Patriots missed the playoffs, Matt Cassell inked a deal that will probably wind up getting everyone in the Chiefs organization fired, Josh McDaniels chased away the best player on his roster and probably got himself fired, the Bears solved their quarterback problem for the next decade and the NFL conveniently decided that the rule book needed an update.

Jesus Christ!

No, I’m not frustrated. I’m naming Tom Brady’s knee Jesus Christ.

24. Atlanta: This one is going to be long, so pull up a chair.

When the Falcons traded up to take Michael Vick, nobody thought twice about it. They had Jamal Anderson in the backfield and no use for LT2.

Years later, everyone started questioning the move because Tomlinson was awesome and Vick never became Peyton Manning. Then, when the Falcons traded Matt Schaub to the Texans and Vick wound up in jail, everyone said that Atlanta traded the wrong quarterback.

Well, fuck you all, you shitty Monday morning quarterbacks.

Michael Vick may not have been an elite QB, but he was always the best of the average ones, with the possibility of some highlight-reel games. He didn’t have the most accurate arm, but he could always resort to the run and kill a defense that way. He was far from the garbage people made him out to be. In a league polluted with Jay Fiedlers and Brian Grieses, I’d have taken Vick as my quarterback in a heartbeat.

You can look back and see that all the arguments used to criticize the Falcons management and undermine Michael Vick’s talents were flawed. Hell, most were flat out wrong. LT2 sure has won a lot of playoff games, hasn’t he? And it’s a good thing the Chagrers got Drew Brees in that trade, because… Oh, right. He’s not even on the team anymore. Tim Dwight was a real superstar, though. And how’s Matt Schaub doing now? Has he even played a full season since he got there?

It’s funny how nobody will come out and admit they might’ve been mistaken; that trading up for Vick and sticking with him all those years was probably the smart move.

I mean, seriously… Matt Schaub?

25. Miami: Since this organization will listen to whatever Bill Parcells tells them to do, can he kindly put in a request to change that ridiculously gay fight song? I’d rather hear I Touch Myself after a Dolphins score.

(For years, I could’ve sworn the person singing that song was a man with a high-pitched voice. Now, having watched the video, and realized it’s a woman, that song is infinitely less creepy. I’m a little turned on actually.)

26. Baltimore: I don’t think it would matter if Ray Lewis killed those people in Atlanta. I’d still be smitten by him. That dude just pisses intensity. Sometimes, when I walk into work, I dance around like a crazy man to get myself pumped up for deadlines.

27. Indianapolis: You know how teams all of a sudden become really good or really bad, and it just seems to come out of nowhere? Like the Niners falling off the map, or the Patriots becoming a near-dynasty? Well, I’m kind of excited to see when the Colts hit that low point again. It’ll be like the NFL has come full circle in my lifetime.

28. Buffalo (from Carolina through Philadelphia): Whomever gets picked here will always have it in the back of their mind that they could’ve been playing in Philly, for the craziest fans on Earth, or a warm weather climate, in North Carolina, where nothing they do would’ve ever made the news because everyone in town is too busy watching college basketball to care. Instead, they’ll be playing all of their home games in Frozen Shitsville, USA.

29. New York Giants: I recently purchased a framed, autographed photo of the David Tyree catch in the Super Bowl. Not so much that I like the Giants or wanna turn around and sell it. I just wanna be able to prove to my kids that David Tyree was, indeed, an NFL player. I don’t want them thinking that I’m nuts when I wax nostalgic about the guy making my Whopper.

30. Tennessee: I can’t get over the idea that Kerry Collins is still a quarterback in the league and not an electrician, passed out drunk in a pickup truck, outside of a bar somewhere in Alabama.

31. Arizona: All those Cardinals fans who were just happy to be in the Super Bowl? They’re gonna sink to a whole new level of miserable over the course of the next few years, when they realize that the sort of luck and timing it took to get them to the Super Bowl this year, doesn’t happen again. Ever. For a team like that, you only get one chance. Falcons fans know exactly what I’m talking about.

32. Pittsburgh: Alex Mack, C (California)

This Is The Face Of A Marked Man

Posted in Florida Marlins, Matt Lindstrom, Philadelphia Phillies on April 24, 2009 by Adam Smoot

lindstrom

This is Matt Lindstrom.

This is the boxscore from tonight’s game.

Have at it, folks. I’m going out drinking. I suggest you do the same.

Maybe Matt should, too.

Phillies Know How To Party

Posted in Philadelphia Phillies, Phuck the Phillies on April 23, 2009 by Adam Smoot

philliesplayersdogayshitafterwinningseries

Ugh. That picture makes us wanna punch something. Can’t those guys even win the World Series without looking gay? Christ.

The Phillies are back in town for the first time as World Series Champions, and they’re looking to get their asses handed to them. Well, they’re probably not looking for that, but it’s bound to happen anyway.

Here at Bright Orange Seats, we’re not above trash talking. Especially when it comes to the Phillies. There’s just something about them that rubs us the wrong way. Ryan Howard looks like an oversized baby, Charlie Manuel reminds us of our little league coach and honestly, we always kinda hated Mike Schmidt. (Yea, you read that right. Mike Schmidt can blow a goat.) So, yea… fuck the Phillies.

Of course, the Phillies PR staff seems to like us for some reason (the fuck if we understand it), so they’ve invited us out to party with them after Friday night’s game. One would think that they’d be going to sleep early, seeing as how they have another game the next night, but whatever. Apparently a World Series party on South Beach isn’t something you just put on the shelf because you need some rest.

So umm, come join us and the Phillies at their Black & White Blue Party this weekend, to celebrate a World Series or something. Flyer with all the info, below:

philsflyer
click image to enlarge

Man, this shit never gets old.