Archive for June, 2008

Jeremy Hermida Laughs At Your Inability To Master The Spacetime Continuum

Posted in Arizona Diamondbacks, Recaps with tags , on June 30, 2008 by Adam Smoot

Physics might not have been our strongest subject, but we’re pretty sure what they’re suggesting isn’t actually possible…

Marlins win 4-3 on a Jorge Cantu single in the bottom of the ninth.

Bandwagon Fans: We Don’t Hate You…All The Time

Posted in Bandwagon, Douchebaggery At Its Finest, Ya Gotta Understand BOS Love The Fans with tags on June 29, 2008 by Adam Smoot

This was written a few days ago, and we were saving it for the right moment. Then we came across this piece at… Admittedly, we don’t read much DJ Gallo, so there’s a very real chance that it was written in more of a mocking tone. Either way, the idea that someone out there would read that and think any of those ideas were good, makes me want to drill a hole in my skull with a worn, dull bit. DJ, please don’t arm the idiots with weapons of mass annoyance. We have enough trouble getting people to stop performing the wave. Let us attempt to rectify the problems you may or may not have caused.

With the All Star break rapidly approaching, we feel it completely necessary to point out a growing epidemic in sports. While it may extend past the baseball diamond, and further north than South Florida, it’s a matter that Bright Orange Seats has opted to take into its own hands, and spare the rest of the sports-loving country from doing so. We’re talking about bandwagon fans.

What is a bandwagon fan? You know your friend that would rather watch the Food Network than baseball, but as soon as the Red Sox won the World Series in ’04 he had a championship hat and Josh Beckett jersey? He’s a bandwagon fan. You’ll never hear a word out of him when his team is losing. Or simply 3 games out of first. Nope. Only when it’s convenient for him to wear the gear and talk a little trash. He’ll claim that he was born there and that’s why he “loves” that team… even though he moved away from that city when he was 4. That would be like being born in 1987 and calling yourself an 80’s kid.

Bandwagon fans come in different varieties. There’s the “I was born there…” type that we just spoke about. There’s also the “It’s cool to go to games and wave white towels” group; particularly annoying around playoff time. The worst, by far though, is the “My team is better than yours, except I couldn’t name one player that hasn’t been on Sportscenter” fans. We’ll get into these all in a little more detail later on.

Why are bandwagon fans hated so much? Okay, bring yourself back to high school. He’s the kid who skips class all week, but comes back in time for the final day of group projects. Because he wasn’t there Monday through Thursday, he’s placed in a group with smart kids that have done all the work already, and so he gets an easy “A.” He didn’t earn it. He didn’t spend his Wednesday night gluing shit together and giving himself popsicle stick splinters like you did. He didn’t care all week. He just latched on to the best possible group at the last possible second. (Cough — Celtics fans — Cough!)

But they aren’t necessarily a bad thing.
The thing about bandwagon fans is, when you fill a stadium/arena with 25,000 fans and half of them hopped on the bandwagon a week ago, you can’t tell anyone apart. All you hear is a deafening roar after an overtime goal. A chant of “OVER-RATED” when an opposing superstar misses a basket. The clang of 20,000 cowbells after a homerun. Sure, they might not know who hit the homerun, or who scored the goal, but without them, the celebration wouldn’t be as loud, or nearly as much fun. Besides, who’s gonna stumble around town and tip over giant flower pots if not for drunken bandwagon fans willing to get arrested while the real fans head home to enjoy the victory with a nice gin & tonic?

We’re cool with bandwagon fans, but here’s the thing: Know your fucking role. Too many of you overstep your bounds and cause the rest of us, you know, actual fans, to want to split your head open with a 2×4. We know it can be a little confusing at times to understand how far you’re actually allowed to take your fandom without coming off as a douche bag, but that’s why we’re here to help. Just follow the simple rules below and you’ll be able to enjoy watching “that guy playing first base” without making the people within earshot want to completely dismember you.

Rule #1: Leave the history lessons to those that actually know something about it.
We don’t care that the Celtics won 147 championships before this one. You aren’t allowed to mention any of them. Years aren’t what those championships were about. They were about players and moments. And unless you are adequately prepared to discuss said players and moments, don’t bother chanting “19-40!”

Rule #2: No talking shit. Listen, it’s cute that you wanna get involved now that your team is in the Finals. It’s touching that you’re just now showing a passing interest. But you haven’t been around long enough to start talking shit to opposing fans. Now that you’re a “fan,” stick with it a few more years, suffer through some losing seasons, maybe a rebuilding period or two, and then come and tell me how much my team sucks. (Ed note: It’s the Knicks, and they do suck, but still.) Until you’ve earned those wings, just shut up and enjoy the game.

Rule #3: Take the damn tags off your gear. It’s bad enough we can tell who you are as soon as you open your mouth and say something stupid, but must we be able to identify you before you even speak? Sure, lots of people have Paul Pierce jerseys, but can you at least make it look like yours has been worn once before? It still has the creases in it, for Christ sake. Throw that bad boy in the wash a few times to give it that been-wearing-this-since-8th-grade look. You know, rather than the I-bought-this-in-1999-because-I-thought-it-was-cool-and-it’s-been-sitting-in-my-closet-ever-since — oh-look-now-we’re-really-good-I-think-I’ll-bust-it-out look. You might even fool some people.

Rule #4: There is no “I” in team. There’s also no “we,” jackass. While some people despise the fans’ usage of the term, Bright Orange Seats sees no problem with it. You grow up watching a team for years, watching them struggle, fail and maybe if you’re lucky, succeed once or twice, and you earn the right to think of yourself as part of that team. “We” is a perfectly acceptable word when you’ve given just as much energy and passion — or so it feels like — as the players in the locker room have given. When your contribution consists of only going to games when the team is on top of the world (we’re look at you Heat fans), you have earned nothing. Until you’ve put together some theoretical resume of fandom, feel free to call the team by their rightful name and save “we” for the fans who truly feel that way. Afterall, we know that once the team starts tanking, you will have forgotten you were ever part of our happy family.

Rule #5: We have the right-of-way. It’s like a stop sign. The fans that have been around the longest get the benefits. The guy waiting to get his authentic Jason Taylor jersey signed — the jersey he saved up for 2 years to buy when he was 15, and hasn’t washed once because he’s superstitious and has been waiting for this day since he became a true fan — gets to stand at the front of the guard rail and wave his Sharpie incessantly. In fact, if you have a Sharpie and he doesn’t, you’re obligated to offer yours, whether you’re certain you’ll get it back or not. Your Dancing with the Stars poster will just have to sit on your wall, unsigned. Deal with it.

Of course, if you happen to be a Marlins bandwagoner, please disregard everything you just read. These rules don’t apply to you. Hell, feel free to break every single one of ’em. Whatever it takes to make game day at Dolphin Stadium look more like a semi-filled ball park and less like a giant, empty citrus fruit.

That’s More Like It

Posted in Arizona Diamondbacks, Recaps, Ricky Nolasco with tags , on June 28, 2008 by Adam Smoot

Congratulations D-Backs. You’ve just been officially owned by Ricky Nolasco. (I refuse to use the phrase “PWNED!” more than once in any particular decade.)

Last time Ricky saw you guys, you were sitting on top of the world. The first place, ball-smashin’, perfect-pitchin’ D-Backs. Oh, what a month it’s been. Just 12-22 since Ricky Nolasco and the Marlins put the clamp on your offense in a 3-1 win in mid-May.

With a chance at redemption Friday night, you took to the Dolphin Stadium diamond, this time with Micah Owings as your weapon of choice against Ricky No-No. The results, unfortunately, were pretty much the same. A 3-1 loss on the road.

Nolasco, who started the game off by giving up 2 hits and a sac fly, recovered and threw 8 innings of 6-hit ball — 3 in the first & 3 scattered over the next seven — to break the Marlins out of their 4-game skid. If the Fish can keep up their winning ways against ‘Zona this weekend, they’ll be rewarded with series against Washington, Colorado, San Diego and LA. All of which are under .500 on the season (17, 16, 17 and 5 games under, respectively); soft schedule that should give them a nice break before they take on the NL East again.

Original Image: AP Photo/Lynne Sladky

The Division Is Yours To Take… No Really, Take It. We Don’t Want It.

Posted in Wow. The NL East Is Awfully Average with tags , , on June 28, 2008 by Adam Smoot

Now that the Will Leitch blogosphere bukkake is over, we can get back to important issues. Things like the Marlins inability to win games lately. Or the fact that Scott Olsen hasn’t won a game in almost 2 months. Or how Mark Hendrickson has slowly morphed into, well, Mark Hendrickson.

Seriously, what the hell happened to this pitching staff? Obviously, they were playing out of their minds early in the season, but to think that the top 2 pitchers in the rotation would have a combined 2 wins in their last 20 games? You’d have to be off your rocker.

That said, this is the NL East. There isn’t a team in the division thats figured out how to take any kind of commanding lead in the standings. The Phillies, for all their early season boasting, are a mere 2 games ahead of the Fish for first place. The Mets, after starting the season with the intensity of 1000 warriors 12 midget, emo teenagers have pulled to within just one game of the Marlins. The Braves are just a game back of the Mets. And the Nationals… well, yea, the Braves are just a game back of the Mets.

Early on, we said that the Phillies would be the team to beat. While we still feel that way (if only for the sake of consistency), this division sure seems ripe for the picking.

Welcome to the NL East: Where .500 is the new .613.

For more detailed info on the NL East, check out the NL East Blog. They have way more time to devote to analysis than we do. We’re simply here to crack the occasional joke and Photoshop pimp hats onto Scott Olsen.

RIP Will Leitch: 2005-2008

Posted in Deadspin, Eulogies with tags , on June 27, 2008 by Adam Smoot

It’s no secret that Bright Orange Seats loves its daily intake of Deadspin posts. Over the years, we’ve grown fond of the sarcastic — sometimes whiny — tone that Mr. Will Leitch brings to the table week in and week out. You’ll understand then, why this is a day of great sadness around these parts, as Leitch rides off into the sunset after his days as editor of Deadspin come to an end somewhere around 5:00pm EST today. And while the website and it’s assortment of fine writers did a hell of a job roasting their fearless leader yesterday, we’d be remiss if we didn’t offer a few words of our own in memory of one, William H. Leitch. (We like to think his middle name is Herbert.) What follows, is a Bright Orange Eulogy: (Best viewed with “Spirit in the Sky” playing in the background. Go ahead. Set it up. We’ll wait…)

In June of 1999, I graduated high school and was under the impression that my life would be forever changed. It was the same feeling I had gotten after I kissed a girl for the first time, landed my first real, full-time job, beaten Super Mario Bros. and slept with my first 10. (Ok, she was a 6. But with the lights off, definite 10.) In my lifetime, there have been a generous handful of moments where I truly felt my life would be changed. But none of them would have as profound an impact on my life as the email I received at 9:25pm on November 9th, 2006.

Ha. Outstanding work. You have a commenting invite, right? Because if you don’t, Lord, do you ever deserve one.


That signature “Ha.” would become a staple in my inbox after every single image or tip I would submit. To this day, there might not be an email I’ve sent to that hasn’t received a reply, usually beginning with “Ha.” An unmistakable trademark of a truly kind-hearted man that has since left us.

Will Leitch will be remembered by most for his writing. Others will remember him as the guy whose speech patterns rendered the use of the period obsolete. Myself? I’ll remember him as the man who indirectly changed my life. Me. The person who was once an unemployed graphic artist reading Deadspin at home is now an art director with his own blog, who reads Deadspin at work, and on occasion, gets paid to write.

Let’s not kid ourselves. If not for this man, 95% of the blogs we read today wouldn’t be in existence. He opened doors for the common man to talk about sports — and boobs — in a public forum, where that man’s voice could be heard by more than just his mom. (Though I’m pretty sure she’s still the majority of my readership.) He shed the stereotype of the blogger in his parent’s basement, even if certain people still haven’t come around to it. He proved that emo isn’t just for 13-year old, middle school girls. Will was a pioneer. Or just a happy-go-lucky Mid-Westerner who unknowingly possessed the Magical Key.

His magic extended far beyond the resulting spike in traffic from a Blogdome mention, though. What Will created with his Macbook was a community. He brought people together in the form of a DU!AN. Or a Pants Party. He created the sports equivalent of a social networking site like Myspace. (Only I don’t get as much porn mail with this one. Still not sure if that’s good or bad.)

While he may not know it, Will Leitch was with me during some of my life’s greatest moments. The time I got my first offer to write freelance. When I first tried to convince my girlfriend that we should spend an evening at home with DU!AN, rather than go out to see a movie. That night I licked the taint of a giraffe. (True story.) Will was there, in spirit, for all of those memories.

While I’m not sure what the future holds for Deadspin or any other sports bloggers, I know that for a brief 3-year period, the blogosphere was in the best hands it could’ve possibly been in. Would someone have come along if not for Leitch? Probably. It was only a matter of time before this type of revolution happened. In all likelihood, if Will were too busy Scotch-taping the lint off his black t-shirts to hammer out posts, someone else would have stepped up to the plate and posted pictures of John Daly’s tits. Lucky for us though, his shirts were clean and he had plenty of time to sit in front of a laptop with a shit ton to say.

He created opportunity. His words sparked other’s words. Their words sparked mine. And mine… well… let’s just focus on my Photoshop for now.

Will Leitch, your words, photos and unabashed Cardinals homerism will surely be missed when Monday rolls around. We hope that wherever you are, Dee Mirich is writing poems about you and sending you all the rainbows you deserve.

Ha. Godspeed.

And finally, because Photoshop is what got us into the Deadspin community in the first place, here are some images to remember Will’s tenure at Deadspin:

MoC making a brief return to say goodbye to Will…

Rick Ankiel got a little choked up when he heard the news…

Nibbles v2.0 works tirelessly to keep the site up and running on Will’s last day…

Will has moved on to a better place. A place with friends from days past…

Today’s Notes

Posted in Today's Notes with tags , , , , , on June 27, 2008 by Adam Smoot

While we were at work today, a couple things happened in South Florida sports that we feel we should tell you about.

Kyle Skipworth Probably Doesn’t Like *NSync

Posted in Kyle Skipworth with tags , on June 26, 2008 by Adam Smoot

We received an email early this morning from the fine folks at Gatorade, alerting us to a short video of Marlins top draft pick, Kyle Skipworth. Skipworth, as some of you might know, was the 2007-2008 Gatorade National Baseball Player of the Year, so they’re doing their best to pimp him out. (And they’re getting much better at it, considering the first email they sent our way said Kyle Shipworth.) While we can’t say we know anything about him, we can tell you that his choice of entrance music is nothing short of frightening.

And seriously, I have a hard enough time writing my name when I’m facing the right way. Good to have you aboard, Kyle.