Archive for April, 2008

Andr… Andrew Mi… F### It. I Can’t Even Bring Myself To Write His Name

Posted in Andrew Miller, Los Angeles Dodgers, Recaps on April 30, 2008 by Adam Smoot

Sure, I could sit around and talk about what a great game this was toward the end. I can gush about Dan Uggla’s catch and subsequent tumble into the seats behind first base (a play you’ll most definitely see on SportsCenter today). Or Amezega’s diving play in center field that came just a few pitches later. Or even the play at the plate that saw Mike Rabelo get bowled over, stand back up, show off the ball which he held onto and then spike said ball into the ground like a mad man (pictured above).

But I’d rather talk about the human clusterfuck that is Andrew Miller.

Now, that’s not to say he won’t morph into a good pitcher in the future. Afterall, he’s only 23 and he’s got plenty of time to develop. But right now, he’s clearly not capable of performing at this level. In 6 starts, he’s lasted more than 5 innings 0 times. He’s allowed 3+ runs 5 times and 5+ runs 4 times. His ERA is higher than Mario Manningham’s Wonderlic Test score. Something needs to change because it’s pretty unnerving knowing that every 5th game has the potential to turn into a Charlie Brown comic strip.

As for the game recap, it went something like this:

Dodgers score a ton early. Marlins come back in the 5th. Great defensive plays in the 6th. Jeff Kent drives in the go ahead run in the 9th. Marlins lose 7-6 at home.

Of note:
Hanley Ramirez stole 9 straight bases to start the season. Since then, he’s been thrown out on his last 3 attempts. I have no idea how to use this information in any meaningful way.

AP Photo/Alan Diaz

This Is What Happens When We Have Nights Off

Posted in Arts & Crafts Projects on April 30, 2008 by Adam Smoot

We’re no mathematicians, but with the Marlins off last night, we came up with a new formula:

blogger – baseball game + (boredom + Photoshop) =

And while we’re not really sure what these things can be used for, we find them pretty cool nonetheless. Check out our ARTWORK PAGE for more than just the Hanley Ramirez piece above. Judging by the amount of time we spend bored at work (with Photoshop at our disposal), this is a gallery that has the potential to grow pretty rapidly.

If Derek Jeter Is Looking For His Clutch Stick, He Should Talk To Wes Helms

Posted in Milwaukee Brewers, Recaps, Wes Helms on April 27, 2008 by Adam Smoot

Break up the Marlins! The weekend comes to a close today and once again, Florida takes two of three from the opposition. The Weekend Hero: Wes Helms. Wes? Helms? Yes. Wes Helms. And yes, I’m talking to myself.

On Saturday, it was Prince Fielder doing the damage, breaking a tie in the eighth with his 4th homer of the season giving the Brew Crew a 4-3 win. Mark Hendrickson gave up 3 runs over the course of his 6 innings, but otherwise, had a decent enough start and SS1a hit his 18th career lead off homer. Brady Anderson is not impressed.

Then on Sunday, Ricky Nolasco went 5 innings, allowing just 2 hits and a run along the way. Not to get too excited about the start, he did walk 4 other batters, but really are we gonna be picky? In the 6th inning, the Fish had bases loaded, no outs. Then Milwaukee changed pitchers. Strike out. Strike out. Pop up. End of inning. It didn’t take long for the Brewers to make Florida pay for that, as Bill Hall took Taylor Tankersly deep in the next inning for his 2nd blown save of the season. Like the first game of the series, this one would go 10 innings. And exactly like the first game of the series, it was Wes Helms with the game winner. This time a home run off of Seth McCLung. Enter Kevinn Gregg. Good night. Go home. Marlins win 3-2.

When Scott Olsen Takes The Mound, We’re All His Bitch

Posted in Milwaukee Brewers, Recaps, Scott Olsen, Wes Helms on April 26, 2008 by Adam Smoot

Ok, now he’s just showing off.

Scotty “Pimpin’ IS Easy” Olsen went 7 1/3, and when he finished the Brewers were more than happy to see him go. Olsen allowed just 4 hits over that span (with 5 walks, though) as he did his part to keep the Marlins in a battle with the Brewers.

Yovani Gallardo of Milwaukee, countered with 7 scoreless innings of his own in what would go down as the greatest Marlins/Brewers game in history. Maybe. Or, you know, just another game that went scoreless through nine.

However, it was the tenth inning when Wes Helms realized, “Hey, I don’t get time and a half for this overtime shit, do I?” and, in typical Wes Helms fashion*, drove in Hanley Ramirez for the eventual winning run. Well maybe not drove in, as much as lightly tapped in. With the bases juiced in extras, Helms hit a slow roller to short and SS1a was able to beat out the throw to the plate, leading to my favorite quote of the year so far (courtesy of Wes Helms):

…I didn’t want to do what I did, but I hit it in the right spot.

Huh? Really, Wes? The right spot? Because I was under the impression that the right spot might’ve been a deep fly ball to the outfield. Or a light bloop, just past the infield, but not quite to the outfield. Or a ground ball in the hole. Or anywhere but right into the glove of an infielder. It’s ok, Wes. We kid because we love.

Marlins win 3-0 in 10 innings.

*Results typical in all of 2 games thus far. Shut up and let us admire the man.

AP Photo/Darren Hauck

Burke Had A Plan. It Just, Uh, Didn’t Work.

Posted in Atlanta Braves, Recaps on April 25, 2008 by Adam Smoot

Burke Badenhop’s plan seemed flawless. Let Atlanta do so much running in the first inning that they’re too tired to do anything the rest of the game.

It almost worked.

The Braves scored 5 runs in the first inning, tiring themselves out to the point that they were only able to manage 2 more run over the last 7 innings. The Marlins managed just 4 runs over the course of the game, though, rendering Badenhop’s plan ineffective in a 7-4 loss Thursday night.

Josh Willingham put on the Superman cape, going 3 for 4 and driving in every single Marlins run. Once again, though, the kryptonite was the starting pitching, which aside from The Pimp and Mark Hendrickon, has been consistently “meh.”

Surely, pitching coaches will pull Burke Badenhop aside before his next start and come up with a more effective game plan than the one he entered with tonight.

Of note:
Chipper Jones celebrated his 36th birthday by going 3 for 3 with a homer. My birthdays are exactly like that… minus the baseball, money and fame. And I usually wake up in a pool of my own vomit, so there’s that.

AP Photo/Gregory Smith

See What Happens When You Play With Girls…

Posted in Andrew Miller, Atlanta Braves, Recaps, SS1a on April 25, 2008 by Adam Smoot

What’s a blogger to do when pressed with the decision to either spend time with his girlfriend or watch a Marlins game and provide, literally, dozens of loyal readers with a proper recap?

If you checked around these parts after last night’s 7-2 win over the Braves, well, you probably got your answer.

It’s not often that the Female Smoot wins out in situations like these. Not that I neglect her in any way. (She has the unique ability to withhold something I like very much, should I opt to go that route — prescription drugs. Why? What were you thinking? She’s a nurse.) Usually, though, I just drag her with me to wherever it is I plan on watching the game that particular night.

Last night, I chose to abandon my duties altogether, as a Florida Marlins blogger, and spend quality time with the girlfriend. And could you blame me? One look at the schedule and 2 words told me all I needed to know — Andrew. Miller.

So it was a total surprise when I got in my car at the end of the night and heard the Marlins broadcast team discussing another W in the standings.

Are you serious? Could I have chosen the one night Andrew Miller decided to actually man up and be a Major League pitcher, to flat out not watch? We were near a TV. I could easily have turned the game on and watched with her. I didn’t need to miss that moment in Miller’s young career when he turned the corner and became a dominant force on the mound.

Oh, wait. I didn’t. Turns out it was a false alarm. According to the stats (and apparently every single person that watched the game), Andrew Miller caught some breaks, allowing only 2 runs (1 earned) on 9(!) hits, 11 base runners and almost 100 pitches… in just 5 innings of work. Imagine what he could’ve allowed had be kept going. It helps that the Braves stranded 13 runners for the game, and that the offense got on the board early, but one of these days Miller is gonna have to bring it a little more than he’s been bringing it lately. He’s young though, so we’re willing to be patient.

Of Note:
SS1a and Mike Jacobs both launched their 7th homers of the season… Dan Uggla went 3 for 5, bumping his season average to a respectable .259… I do the cha cha like a sissy girl. I like-a do da-cha cha.

AP Photo/John Amis

Japan Can See The Future

Posted in Andrew Miller, Anime: It's Not Just Porn! on April 23, 2008 by Adam Smoot

The fine folks over at Fish@Bat found the strangely intriguing anime version of a Marlins season preview that you see above. Our Japanese(?) is a little rusty, so we hired our crack team of international interpretors to translate this comic strip into English for our readers.

As one could only expect, the Japanese were spot on.

Comic after translation:

Here’s to hoping Andrew Miller doesn’t crap his pants tonight…