Your Daily Dose of Hermida Sucktitude

Posted in Florida Marlins, Houston Astros, Jeremy Hermida Was Definitely Picked Last In Kickball, Recaps on August 12, 2009 by Adam Smoot

Astros Marlins Baseball

The Marlins won 9-8 on a Dan Uggla single in extra innings, they extended their winning streak to five straight and find themselves 3.5 out of first place in the NL East. But none of that is as even remotely as entertaining as Jeremy Hermida getting thrown out on a play he had no business even being a part of.

In the 10th inning, with the two out and the game tied, Emilio Bonifacio smoked a ball to left field, where the outfielder was playing about six steps off the dirt. Hermida came full speed from second and headed home… even though the ball was already back at the plate. Whether he got the signal to keep chugging or he decided to do it himself is not the important part. What’s important is that we all got to witness the epic failure that is Jeremy Hermida.

Click here for the Bright Orange Seats reenactment. (It’ll refresh five seconds after it finishes, should you want to watch it over and over and over.)

A Memo To Those Who Are New To These Parts

Posted in Announcements on August 10, 2009 by Adam Smoot

workspace

When I started this site a little over a year ago, I did so with the idea that I’d be poking fun at some of the ridiculousness that surrounds the sacred sport of baseball. I didn’t do it to get noticed, or be the next Deadspin, or any other unbelievably stupid reason some people may accuse me of. Seven readers? Seven hundred readers? I wasn’t all that concerned. If I wanted to become famous, I’d like to think I’d be smart enough to start a blog that centers around something people actually care about… like drunken text messages or how fucked my life is. I started this site because I like writing and being an obnoxious goofball. That’s it.

Too often, this sport, more than any other, is looked at as a fragile porcelain vase, meant to be handled with only the utmost care. The people who cover baseball in the media treat the sport as if it were some cathedral that you dare not blaspheme against. Stats are overanalyzed, records are worshipped and players are immortalized. And for some unknown reason, fans eat that shit up like Cocoa Puffs.

What a fucking joke.

Baseball is the sport where an overweight manager, dressed in glorified pajamas, waddles onto the field to dispute a call by yelling and screaming at the umpire, all while kicking dirt at his shins. And this is something I’m supposed to take seriously? This sport has it’s fair share of liars, cheaters and alcoholics, just like every other sport, so let’s not pretend that there’s a whole lot of purity that needs to be maintained, either. The whole point of Bright Orange Seats was to take a flame thrower to this bullshit house of worship and its oversensitive zealots.

Clearly, some of you missed that.

What I’m trying to say is this. If you’re looking for statistical analysis or a detailed breakdown of the bats in the Marlins farm system, you’re in the wrong place. There are plenty of other sites that can bore you to tears with that information. Good for them, if that’s their thing. I’d rather waste my down time taking jabs at players, talking shit to opposing fans and doing all the things that actually provide some modicum of entertainment in this otherwise vanilla sport. You know, all the things people actually do in real life. Despite what Bud Selig, the media or Congress may want you to believe, baseball isn’t supposed to be taken so seriously. It’s a fucking game. It can’t be taken seriously. So, yes, when Brett Myers is pitching, you’ll get this. And when Derek Jeter comes to town, I’ll smack him in the face with his fabled clutch stick. And when the Nationals step foot in Land Shark Joe Robbie Stadium, I’ll be sure to remind their fans that now would be a good time to grab the toaster, jump in the tub and end the misery of being a Nats faithful, before it gets any worse. It’s just a fucking joke. If you’re taking any of my insults and outbursts 100% seriously, then you’re an idiot. There is no way to sugarcoat that.

There are plenty of sites on the internet that will give you what you’re looking for. If you don’t like my choice of adjectives, you can always check out a site that uses words that are less offensive and contain more than four letters. The choice is yours.

So, to those who still don’t quite get it, may your life be filled with herpe-riddled prostitutes and enormous, triangular anal beads. You clearly don’t deserve to use a computer. You barely deserve to live. Please off yourself. I’ll provide the toaster.

To those who are in on the joke, though, it’s good to have you.

Now let’s get back to business, shall we?

This Blog Brought To You By NyQuil

Posted in Blogs Worse Than This One, Hanley Ramirez on August 9, 2009 by Adam Smoot

hanleyblog

Athlete’s blogs are boring and, for the most part, pretty awful. There are a few exceptions–or so I’m told, even though I haven’t managed to find any of them–but the vast majority read like press conference talking points; nothing off-color, funny or even remotely interesting. Which is why the Hanley Ramirez blog is a breath of fresh air. Hanley goes out of his way to talk smack and post photos of half-naked players in the locker room… Okay, really, who am I kidding? Here’s the latest post from Hanley, which was most likely written by someone who isn’t Hanley:

Like I’ve said for a while, when we play as a team, we do a lot better. This is not tennis. Not one individual. We are playing together as a team. That’s when you win, when everybody is chipping in. I am happy to see that we are playing better defensively. Fredi and all the staff, they’ve been working with us. They’ve been working hard with us, and we are going to stay focused on it. We went into Spring Training wanting to get better on defense, and we’re getting better and better. People ask what I’m doing better on defense. I’m using my feet better. It’s about positioning. We’ve been working, and we’re going to keep working at it.

So, there you have it. If you didn’t fall asleep halfway through it, here’s the Cliffs notes version: Breaking news! The Florida Marlins have been working on getting better.

Stay tuned for his next post, where Hanley discusses the importance of scoring more runs that the opposition.

While You’re Down There…

Posted in Florida Marlins, Philadelphia Phillies, Phuck the Phillies, Recaps on August 8, 2009 by Adam Smoot

Marlins Phillies Baseball

If this isn’t a metaphor for what the Marlins have done to the Phillies so far this weekend, then really, I don’t know what is.

Friday: Marlins 3 Phillies 2
Saturday: Marlins 6 Phillies 4

Quote of the Week: Angry Commenter Edition

Posted in Nats Fans Like It In The Ass, Quote of the Week, Washington Nationals on August 8, 2009 by Adam Smoot

There really is nothing more satisfying than pissing off an entire city. I didn’t know I had that power, but clearly, I was wrong. This past week, I managed to irritate the entire fanbase of a certain shitty franchise to the point that all 37 of them decided to let me have it in the comments section. Of course, when you give angry sports fans a keyboard and an open forum, hilarity will ensue. Witness:

OK, so the Nats beat the fins off ya. It happens. The Yankees waited out a FIVE HOUR rain-delay for it to happen to them. Go ahead and live your pennant-chasing life. We’ll just enjoy not losing.

You enjoy not losing. But judging from the standings, you’re gonna have to sit through a whole bunch of not winning, as well.

Fish fan. How about “hey, you guys did a number on us but we’re still a better team”? You present yourself as a profane loser. How seriously would you take someone that wrote as bad as you?

Poorly, sir. Wrote as poorly as me.

Wow, talk about a sore loser. And, you know, I was taught that when your only recourse is insult and ad hominem attack, that’s a pretty strong indicator you don’t believe you can win a debate based on the facts.

Facts: There is no debate. If your boys were to run off 15 wins in a row, they’d still be 4th in the division. After sweeping the Marlins, the Nationals still suck. They just suck a little less.

Finished not-last only once–don’t we know it!
Hey, remind me, who *did* finish last that year?

That argument will probably do you more harm than good. It’s like telling a girl, “Remember that one time I didn’t cum too soon?”

“Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.” Mt 15:11

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we’ve hit the Bible. No really, I swear, it gets better.

Oh, and I guess I should include the obligatory “Get Well Soon, Nick” with this.

And take good care of Bonifacio, too. Josh Willingham says hello, and thanks.

Alright, now we’ve reached the city limits of Crazytown.

Let’s close this bad boy out with a series of comments that all share a common theme…

-We KNOW we suck, that’s why it’s so funny the Fish couldn’t beat us notwithstanding your “gift from the gods” proclamations.

-We Nats fans know our team is bad. In fact, we’ve joked on our own fanblogs that the Lerner family doesn’t own the Nats, because the Marlins own the Nats. We can laugh about it because we know we won’t even sniff 4th place this year.

-Also, if you think that Nationals fans don’t know their team sucks, you’re an idiot. Everyone knows the Nationals suck. You just wrote this because for three days, let’s face it: the Marlins sucked harder.

-I have to say reading your whining post had to be one of the funniest things I’ve read today. The Nats might be the worst team in baseball, but you’ve got to be the biggest LOSER out there.

There really is nothing more amusing than someone having to preface their anger with an “I know we suck, but…”

Yikes. These are my readers…?

No, Really, You Can Come Down From The Ledge Now…

Posted in Florida Marlins, Nats Fans Like It In The Ass, Philadelphia Phillies, Recaps, Washington Nationals on August 7, 2009 by Adam Smoot

Marlins Nationals Baseball

Well, shit, I don’t think any of us saw that one coming.

Not that it’s that big a deal.

Some folks would have you believe that this is some major catastrophe for the Marlins playoff hopes, but is it really? They got swept by a shitty team, but everyone seems to forget that they also managed to take two out of three from two first-place teams the week before, when nobody in South Florida thought they even stood a chance.

Assuming that the results of a baseball game worked out in the most logical of manners, with the better team typically notching the W, the Marlins would’ve gone 2-4 against the Dodgers and Cubs, and something like 2-1 against the Nationals. Instead, back in quirky, reality baseball, where everything is completely random and unpredictable, they went 4-2 against two really good teams and 0-3 against a crappy one. Baseball is like that sometimes.

So, instead of potentially going 4-5, they actually went… umm… 4-5.

Now, cool your fucking jets, people.

Next up for the Marlins is what any team mired in a slump would add to their wish list: a weekend series with the defending World Champions. A team whose cock-gobbling fans have actually earned the right to talk shit. Unlike these cock-gobbling fans

When Good Fans Go Bad: Washington Natinals Edition

Posted in Blow A Goat, Florida Marlins, Washington Nationals on August 6, 2009 by Adam Smoot

natinals

As with everything in life, there’s a lesson to be learned from these last three games against the Nationals. Its a simple lesson, really, that has nothing to do with karma or speaking too soon. Simply put, it is this:

 

If your favorite team is knee-deep in suck, gets a little lucky, wins a few, but is still a handful of games behind that autistic softball team that Kansas City throws out there every night, then you should probably just shut the fuck up.

 

Over the last few days, it seems that some Nationals fans have found this little slice of heaven that I call home. At first, it was cute; like your five-year-old brother kicking you in the shin for stealing his toys. You know you can beat his ass, but it’s so adorable that deep down inside that tiny little frame of his, he really believes he can take you. Unfortunately, there’s an imaginary line that separates cute from obnoxious, and every so often, your little brother crosses it, leaving you no choice but to put him in his place. So, here goes…

 

To the Nats fans with their newfound, terribly misguided, sense of pride, I say this.

 

Your team is still fucking horrible. This isn’t a whole new team, as you like to claim. It’s the same fucking garbage your shitty ass franchise trots out every fucking year. In the five seasons that Major League Baseball has inexplicably opted to not contract you, you’ve never had a winning record and finished better than last in the NL East just once. And even that season left you 16 games back of the division lead.

 

Last year, your squad managed to put together an unspeakably bad 59-win season that left them 25 games behind the third place Marlins and 32 1/2 behind the first place Phillies. How the fuck can one team suck so horribly that they finish over 32 games back? Six midgets, two paraplegics and a mythical unicorn could put together a more productive season than that.

 

Your team hadn’t won a single game against the Marlins this season until Tuesday night And even now, after all your meaningless trash talk and chest-thumbing, your clusterfuck of a franchise is 3-9 against the Fish in 2009. You can’t talk shit when you’re winning less than 30% of the time. You just can’t.

 

If there’s any decency in the world, Major League Baseball will wait until the season ends, disband your horseshit team, tear down Nationals Park and destroy any known evidence that baseball ever existed in Washington, post 1971.

 

You guys are a fucking joke. Humble pie? Why don’t you eat big box of humble dick?

 

See you guys in September. And don’t worry, we know where to find you…

 

Dead. Fucking. Last.

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